We’re Talking About Mental Health, But Are We Really Talking About It?
A journey to better understanding our mental health in the wildland fire community.
Hello!
This project was able to come alive with the help of the American Wildfire Experience and all the sponsors involved with the digital storytelling micro-grants offered for the 2020 fire season. I am beyond grateful for your support to make this piece become a tangible tool for us in the wildland fire community. Thank you.
A little something about myself and the project before jumping in:
Over the last four years I've had the opportunity to learn so much and be apart of crews/projects/sectors of wildland fire that hold a special place in my heart. This last summer (#COVIDseason, and hopefully the last) I switched over to the office side of things in R6, and primarily training as an aircraft dispatcher which I LOVE. Last year I was on a helitack crew in R3, and before that two seasons with the best fuels crew EVER also in R3. Throughout that time I have also been able to contribute to our community by taking an assignment with NTDP (formerly MTDC) as they studied hydration in wildland fire folks in 2019, and aid in two R3 Women in Wildland Fire bootcamps which involved teaching classes and talking to the gals about what it’s like being a woman in fire.
Through the last few years, I've progressed professionally AND mentally, and being in fire has put the mirror in front of me and shown how much I've grown and what still needed to get dug up and talked about. "Mental health" has become a buzz word in general, but also within our community particularly. This project is for us, the people in fire. I'll share what I've learned about my mental health and what has helped me. I am also sharing YOUR stories. We gotta talk about how we feel, and things that are helping us individually, because it's still probably going to be awhile before every one of us has access to a therapist that has experience helping first responders and more specifically wildland firefighters. This project is a way to help ourselves and help each other. We gotta shift our own energy before the energy of the collective can shift.
If you’d rather have an audio version, head over to the podcast here on the website, or listen wherever you enjoy music + podcasts.
And hey - I'm no therapist!
I believe this is an opportunity though to share what I already know and spread the wealth of knowledge that's already amongst us all - our own experiences.
Below are the different sections included in the project, which also correspond to the podcast episodes. Unfortunately it’s not one of those click-the-headline-to-jump-to-that-section features yet.
What Do We Think About Mental Health?
The Lowdown on Our Mental Health
Coping With Stress + Processing Grief
Toolbox for Your Mental Health
Moving Forward in the Wildland Fire Community
I sent out a Google Form in September 2020 for the community to share their stories, so I will be referencing the almost 300 responses throughout the entirety of this project.
The anonymous responses from the form will be shown like this and in italics
Here we go!
What Do We Think About Mental Health?
A lot of things! I began to see patterns in what mental health means to us, and what we know about it. Responses from when I asked, “When you hear ‘mental health’, what are your first thoughts?”
Frequent Flyers (words that kept popping up):
Suicide
Stress
Depression
PTSD
Anxiety
Stigma
Cope
Since this project stems off the concept of “talking about it but not talking about it”, here are the responses that, well… mention talking.
That we don’t talk about it enough.
The things we know we should talk about but have a hard time doing so.
I’m glad we’re talking about it but personally I feel pretty solid about the state of my mental health right now.
Something no one will talk about or address but is so prevalent in our lives.
Mental health is something everyone deals with but no one talks about.
We need to get over the stigma of talking about it.
There are a lot of us in fire who struggle silently with mental health issues that we cannot really talk about with people who aren’t in fire.
A topic that can be off putting for some but is rapidly becoming one of the most important things to talk about within our organization.
How hard it is to really talk about your emotions.
Everyone talks about it.
The stigma that it’s a weakness to talk about your problems, when it’s really not.
Always talked about, always a number you can call. But my best mental health “coinciding” has been on the 6 hour watches with someone in my same GS level.
The lack of it. The stigma around it and the tough guy/gal mentality you see day in and day out. The “keep it to yourself and don’t bring down the crew” talk.
It should be talked about more.
Yes! Everyone should be talking about this and taking care of their whole selves!
Are we talking about depression?
I wish we talked about it more!
Can I trust who I am talking to?
Another set of responses that stood out, and I feel reflect our variety of thoughts on the matter:
Oh boy.
Depression, seasonally. Folks getting lonely or feel less important in the off-season.
Suicide prevention, dealing with stress.
A person’s ability to cope with life and relate to other individuals.
Burnout, fatigue.
I think about the balance between having a mental toughness for this job and the stigma that comes with not having some grit.
I honestly have no idea.
Buzz word.
Lip service.
I think of people ready to snap.
I have depression.
How many have mental health issues that don’t know how to deal with it.
Post-fire season depression, trauma from on the line by medicals and line of duty deaths, suicide.
Compartmentalism, guard, not understanding personal mental health and definitely not being understood.
Ruh-roh someone is probably having issues, and maybe it’s me.
Need more education.
The ability to cope with everyday challenges and have enough reserve to get through an acute bad time without feeling like I’m “totally falling apart”.
Healthy in mind and heart.
PTSD and veterans.
Depression and alcohol.
Ugh. Not me. But deep down I know that what I have done in his job will effect me forever.
I’d say the majority of us share the understanding that “mental health” is definitely a buzz word right now. Are the federal agencies we work for doing anything proactively? Not really, unless our grassroots efforts are pushing for action. Do we all know how to take care of our mental health? Based off the responses, it seems like 50/50. Ranging from knowing nothing, a little, enough to get us by, researching on their own time, or have formal education on the subject.
Many of y’all mentioned burnout and stress. We understand that burnout, the stress of the job (at work and also how it relates to home life), the schedule, and what we experience on assignments affects us. And while there were quite a few people talking about the ability to handle life’s challenges when they heard mental health, the majority leaned towards a negative connotation when thinking about the subject. As we move through the sections, I hope everyone will be able to see that mental health is like your physical health. Essentially, they both summarize your overall wellbeing. When you think about your physical health, you think of illness as well as strength. Physically our health can be impaired by catching a cold, tearing an ACL, or getting burned. There’s also the positives; gaining muscle mass, ability to perform daily tasks, or no more lower-back pain. Mental health can be discussed in the same way, because it’s all about balance just like with our physical bodies. And if one is out of whack, the other will be too, which is why it’s important to prioritize taking care of ourselves mentally as we do physically in this field of work.
Alright, let’s get into the nitty-gritty now.
The Lowdown on Our Mental Health
What do you know about mental health, and what does it mean to you?
I know that anyone can be mentally affected by the job. Maybe not even know it or that it can be cumulative. To me it means assessing the emotional impacts of years of service in the line of work.
I know the cliches we talk about. “How you feeling today bud?” Shit like that. I know it’s a topic but nothing really gets done about it. To me it means getting through the season and dealing with feelings later.
I have done a bit of research. We have enough other ways to get hurt or die this should not be one.
I’ve been in and out of therapy for over a decade. Since high school. Since elementary school. I studied psychology and political science.. It all means I’m responsible.
I have depression and anxiety and take medication.
I know that we all struggle differently and to me it is about balance.
I know there is help available, and that many people don’t want to do that because they feel awkward or uncomfortable. I think mental health has to do with everything going on inside your mind - how you feel, how you perceive, etc.
Mental health is important to gauge on a daily basis. It means staying in tune with your feelings and knowing your limits.
I am seeing a counselor.
I’ve had struggles with it for years.
I know that the rest of life is really hard when my mental health is in the gutter.
Mental health is important to us all. I struggle with my mental health in my off seasons because I sometimes feel like I don’t have a purpose.
Not much and it means very little to me because I don’t give that type of action power in my life. I know I’m all good but it’s been through hours of meditations, microdosings, etc.
Work life balance.
Spirit, mind and body; it’s connected. If you truly believe in something and persist, all things are possible.
Mental health means reaching out for help when you need it, working through your issues, treating your mental health with the same seriousness and attention we do with physical health.
Mental health kills too many people, and leads to a lack of production and efficiency in the work place and at home.
I struggle with clinically diagnosed PTSD.
Not that much. It means just staying sane throughout fire season.
… I’m sad I don’t feel comfortable sharing these thoughts and info within the larger culture of my crew. Maybe it’s because I have so many people that makes it harder to be vulnerable, maybe it’s being the only female and not wanting to be perceived as weak. But I firmly believe that we all have demons holding us back from being our best selves and best firefighters. I can’t wait for the day when we can talk about them frankly with one another instead of saying “make sure you take care of what you need to on your off days.”
It’s a state of mind that fluctuates. You can go up and down but no matter where you are, it does not diminish who you are as a person.
Next, I asked if y’all know the signs and symptoms of some of the predominant mental health conditions (which were “frequent flyers” in the responses) such as depression, anxiety and PTSD:
79% of you know what the signs/symptoms of depression, anxiety or PTSD are, 16% are not sure, and 4% said they don’t know.
A majority of you know the signs… have you experienced them?
85% said yes. The amount of you that experienced depression, anxiety and/or PTSD before is not surprising… yet at the same time alarming + heartbreaking + frustrating + and back to not surprised when I think about everything people do in this field of work.
Leaving the medical terms aside, 96% of you have just felt out of sorts and not sure how to get back to center, while 2% weren’t sure if you’ve felt that way before, and another 2% that have not.
The word is getting out that we are struggling with our mental health as a whole, which helps get the discussion going for the public and everyone on board to push for better mental health programs and other aspects that affect us mentally (like getting our own series, better pay, etc). Collectively, we need to take our health into our own hands though as our employers catch up to help us out. We don’t have to wait for someone close to us to commit suicide to start thinking about our own mental health, let alone waiting for ourselves to get to that point. So let’s get into the feelings, the part that is stigmatized in our culture.
What does it feel like when you’re depressed, anxious, on edge, out of sorts?
Physically I was unmotivated to move at all, which made me feel worse. Mentally I was very harsh on myself and got in the headset that I wasn’t good enough for anything or anyone. Which emotionally made me feel sad or empty.
Everything seems confusing. And out of that confusion come quick emotions ie anger and frustration.
Depending, anxiety I feel out of control with know idea who to talk to or how to talk about it. Depressed I’m too tired to articulate how I’m feeling or just tell myself it will pass.
It feels hopeless, constant dark cloud, numb, irritable quickly, no energy, lack of motivation even for things I love, felt the need to socially isolate myself.
So stressful that you know what you should be doing but not how to start or what a finished product should look like. You waste so much time worrying that you don't get anything done and then get more stressed.
Felt trapped, no where to go or turn. No one else understood.
It feels like I’m busy doing nothing, not relaxed doing nothing.
Physically tied and emotionally drained.
I felt like my body was twitchy, my heart rate increased. I couldn’t sleep. Mentally I was not as sharp, and emotionally I felt apathy. Even in a dark place, I didn’t seem to care to get out or even know how to get back to normal.
“Fuzz-brain”
Left behind.
Dreading the day.
When I become too anxious I have a hard time keeping an appetite, I get physically ill. This job has definitely made me feel emotionally exhausted and strained when trying to keep the wheels on the bus in all of my relationships outside of work.
Shitty.
Non stop overthinking.
Exhausting. Trapped in a negative feedback loop mentally. Feeling like you are unliked, unwelcomed or not good enough for the people around you. Perceived betrayal when it may not exist. Suicidal thoughts. Poor sleep. Substance abuse.
I felt helpless while on an incident and lots of issues were affecting me from home and I couldn't do anything about it.
When I‘ve been laid off in the past I feel like I lose my community and sense of purpose and going back to family and friends who don’t fully understand what I do for work it feels like there’s a disconnect.
Exhausting, overwhelming, sad, numb, wreckless, guilty, dreadful
Like fuck it. I’ve lost everything over and over again as a drug addict and alcoholic..lol I even had to pay off 9,890 dollars of old apartment fees while paying for school... I’ve died mentally time and time again but it was by this design..I was powerless by it with its false notions of powers that have been embedded in my people since the first biological warfare that we account of and also the laws or doctrines that kept our spiritualities oppressed for this very reason.
Hard to leave it in the woods or at the office, reengaging in family day to day is hard sometimes.
Falling. Like "the rug was pulled out from me". Knees weak... tunnel vision.
Frustration really. I would get mad at the littlest things but be on the edge of tears as well. It would depend on the day...Sometimes it was worse than others. Guilt has a funny way of swinging day to day.
I'm continuously tired, I just keep thinking all I do is go to work and come home and prepare to go to work, and what am I really gaining? Who is benefitting from my dedication? Certainly not me.
Depression - layers of gray paint one on top of another.
Anxiety - didn’t feel right in my own skin and chest pain that builds as I get more anxious.
What I imagine someone with vertigo would feel like on an out-of-control merry-go-round.
I make a lot more reactive decisions that I don't feel good about. That exacerbates the bad feelings I'm having. Restful sleep is more difficult.
Irritable and anxious particularly at home not at fires.
It felt powerless like you are trying to hold water in your hands and no matter what you do it keeps running out or like you are drowning.
At its best, I felt unfulfilled by daily life, floundering. At its worst, literally like I was suffocating. Afraid to turn the lights off and let myself think before bed.
Completely out of control of my own life, riddled with anxiety, suffering from chronic panic attacks.
Isolated and needing to talk through issues but not knowing were to turn. Talking through serious mental health issues isn't easy with coworkers and I don't want to unload all my issues on my family. They don't understand the things we face and it can lead to feeling cut off from loved ones.
Tired and yet not tired.
Felt like I was drowning. I was presented with information but couldn't register what people were saying and reacted in a negative way instead of responding in a positive way.
It felt like nothing I was going to do, say, or accomplish would make things better or worse. Physically I would stay in shape for my job, which would emotionally and mentally make me feel okay for a time period, but it seemed to always just go full circle. Just a weird constant pattern.
Even if I got away for the weekend, went white water rafting and camped in the beautiful scenic woods of Montana, the cycle use to return as soon as I stepped back into my home.
Physically-tired. Mentally-foggy. Emotionally-cranky.
Confusing! Constantly searching for a cause. It's the weirdest feeling I have ever experienced.
Felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't sleep. I drank a LOT. A slept around a lot. Anything to keep me from being alone in my own head.
Misunderstood. Mentally exhausted. Sad to leave come tases. Sad to be a zombie when I get home to my fam. Being on a different Mental wavelength than my wife and having trouble drawing back down or wanting to do stuff around the house.
Lots of negative emotions - sad, angry, lonely.
Unconcerned about physical well being (i.e. the idea of bodily harm did not concern me).
Pre-ADHD diagnosis (about a year ago), I always felt like I was broken. Like almost everyone else in the world knew how to do life, but I had missed out on a crucial seminar. Or like my life was a video game, but someone handed me the controller when they were already too far behind to win, so I half heartedly tried, but knew I would lose no matter what. I let my physical health deteriorate after taking a supervisory/more office time position(that I’ve since left) a few years back. The monotonous work coupled with the move and lack of meaningful field time left me considering suicide for the first time in my life, which terrified me. I was on the verge of getting fired at about the same time for not communicating well or often with my supervisor. That was the catalyst I needed to finally call an EAP, which led to the therapy, the diagnosis, the medication, and the motivation to regain my physical health and take a financial leap of faith back into seasonal fieldwork.
Hard to get the day started, low motivation to exercise, didn’t get anything done that I had planned. Mentally and physically fatigued. Feeling lost like I’m living a life without purpose, just sort of wasting days away and before I know it I’ll be 60 and looking back wondering where all the years went.
Overwhelming and scary. A lot of embarrassment when it comes to work. I’m supposed to lead. Leaders are supposed to be strong.
Unexpected anger outbursts, uncontrollable cold chills, unsettled well being.
I felt a great level of depression and anxiety when I wasn’t working fire. I feel more centered and comfortable with my life when I’m working fire (I took a few years off here and there).
When I feel depressed I feel complacent and as though I'm drifting through the days without consequence or action, just there. At times my anxiety feels like a buzzing under my skin that everyone else can hear and feel from me as well.
Absolutely terrible. Our job is to create organization from chaos. When your body and mind betray you - it’s a terrifying and helpless feeling. Alcohol is easy to turn to and numbs the voice in your head.
It felt like even though I had my whole crew with me sometimes I still felt alone.
Intense high energy when anxious/overthinking, and sad/empty/hopeless when depressed.
Just not there, wondering why I’m the way I am.
Scared because none of my symptoms made any sense, such as feeling paranoid in my office.
Nothing made me happy.
Exahusting. Like being on a long car ride but you can’t pull over to sleep. So you start swerving and nodding off and not having control of your life.
My stomach doesn’t feel well, I feel cloudy in my head, my feelings feel close to the cuff and my muscles ache.
Angry, being an asshole to those I cared about.
Anxiety can sometimes show itself through physical pain. It increases your fatigue level, which is especially dangerous in this job.
Like there was a weight on my chest. I felt like I'm stuck in a corner and I can't do anything about the issues. Dreading going to work which has never been the case in this job until this year. Low energy. Not much of an appetite. Sessions of just bawling my eyes out. Misheard or misunderstood. It's exhausting.
Fucked up on all bases.
I felt like I just needed a break.
Always tired no matter how much sleep I got, mentally wrapped up in not being able to fix it and further stressing, physically getting sick easier, always feeling on the edge of crying for no reason.
Felt like I was desperately reaching for something I can control. Sometimes lethargic, or crying uncontrollably.
It sucked. I was mad at everyone and felt alone...like nothing (even the rock star operation stuff) didn’t matter.
I felt bad but then I would feel bad for feeling bad. Then I would be consumed with not wanting to let it affect my work or my coworkers. It was difficult to manage.
It’s just draining, you second guess your decisions, wonder how your kids are going to deal with your job, staying positive for crew morale but it’s a facade.
I’m a hotshot and I like to feel a purpose and I didn’t feel that.
Doomed.
I felt internal turmoil, confused on not knowing where it was rooted from. Feeling helpless and tired, sad and worried. Angry and resentful, everything. I wanted to quit fire and run away.
Everything spinning out of control, my mind is a movie reel on fast forward, quick to be angry, everything makes me cry, wake up heart racing and gasping for breath, inability to sleep. My heart will skip beats, race, then slow down. If I feel I have let anyone down, if I have failed, or I’m not good enough in the slightest I’ll shut down my ears go quiet, it’s like I revert back into my head and I’m alone even if I’m sitting next to people. My heart beat is deafening.
Nothing is interesting. Nothing I can do is right, or matters, or is good enough. I have lived an awesome life, why can’t I be grateful and present for what’s around me and enjoy it and stop taking everything so seriously? In fact, maybe I don’t deserve all of this. It would be better if I started all over from scratch.
Broken.
I wanted to die in every way, disappear from existence, wanting to never be remembered.
Physically there, mentally elsewhere. At work and at home. Like maybe both were working against you.
It felt terrible, like I couldn’t do anything right and the simplest tasks would piss me off. I was angry at everyone even my girlfriend when she tried to pull me out of it.
Like I was going crazy.
Do you relate to any of these people? If the stories and feelings make you uncomfortable, that’s ok. We’re leaning into it together.
I know that was a lot to go through. Heavy subject. In a more digestible form, below are the frequent flyers from all the responses to that question.
Frequent Flyers:
Hopeless
Drowning
Confused
Tired
Out of control
Overwhelming
Foggy
Alone
Scared
What do these mean to you? To me, they’re saying we feel disconnect. That we’re misunderstood. And that we are needing connection, understanding, someone to listen, a safe space. The voice in our head can say some really fucked up shit - that you’re alone, that no one cares. But it’s not true. It’s just not true. Your ego and the societal systems in place will make you think those shaming words are true though. Just because the voice in your head says things like that doesn’t mean you’re broken.
Below is a statement from the National Alliance on Mental Health:
“A mental health condition isn’t the result of one event. Research suggests multiple, linking causes. Genetics, environment and lifestyle influence whether someone develops a mental health condition. A stressful job or home life makes some people more susceptible, as do traumatic life events. Biochemical processes and circuits and basic brain structure may play a role, too.
None of this means that you’re broken or that you, or your family, did something “wrong.” Mental illness is no one’s fault. And for many people, recovery — including meaningful roles in social life, school and work — is possible, especially when you start treatment early and play a strong role in your own recovery process.”
The National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI for short) was suggested by one of y’all and it is a great resource to check out. Below I’ll share the symptoms for anxiety, ADHD, depression, and PTSD from the NAMI site, but I highly suggest for you to pursue further and talk to a doctor, counselor, etc. about it if you need to. While this is not going to be helpful directly in aiding someone else who is experiencing a mental health crisis at work, which is something a handful of you voiced concern about, it’s a starting block in understanding what other people might be battling, and to take a moment to visualize how you’d want to be treated if you are feeling this way.
Anxiety
“We all experience anxiety. For example, speaking in front of a group can make us anxious, but that anxiety also motivates us to prepare and practice. Driving in heavy traffic is another common source of anxiety, but it helps keep us alert and cautious to avoid accidents. However, when feelings of intense fear and distress become overwhelming and prevent us from doing everyday activities, an anxiety disorder may be the cause.”
Emotional symptoms:
Feelings of apprehension or dread
Feeling tense or jumpy
Restlessness or irritability
Anticipating the worst and being watchful for signs of danger
Physical symptoms:
Pounding or racing heart and shortness of breath
Sweating, tremors and twitches
Headaches, fatigue and insomnia
Upset stomach, frequent urination or diarrhea
ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder)
“While some behaviors associated with ADHD are "normal" and not a cause for concern to most people, someone with ADHD will have trouble controlling these behaviors and will show them much more frequently and for longer than 6 months.”
Signs of inattention include:
Becoming easily distracted, and jumping from activity to activity
Becoming bored with a task quickly
Difficulty focusing attention or completing a single task or activity
Trouble completing or turning in homework assignments [as you can see the signs/symptoms for ADHD for kid/adolescent focused..]
Losing things such as school supplies or toys
Not listening or paying attention when spoken to
Daydreaming or wandering with lack of motivation
Difficulty processing information quickly
Struggling to follow directions
Signs of hyperactivity include:
Fidgeting and squirming, having trouble sitting still
Non-stop talking
Touching or playing with everything
Difficulty doing quiet tasks or activities
Signs of impulsivity include:
Impatience
Acting without regard for consequences, blurting things out
Difficulty taking turns, waiting or sharing
Interrupting others
Depression
“Depressive disorder, frequently referred to simply as depression, is more than just feeling sad or going through a rough patch. It’s a serious mental health condition that requires understanding and medical care. Left untreated, depression can be devastating for those who have it and their families. Fortunately, with early detection, diagnosis and a treatment plan consisting of medication, psychotherapy and healthy lifestyle choices, many people can and do get better.
Depression can present different symptoms, depending on the person. But for most people, depressive disorder changes how they function day-to-day, and typically for more than two weeks.”
Common symptoms include:
Changes in sleep
Changes in appetite
Lack of concentration
Loss of energy
Lack of interest in activities
Hopelessness or guilty thoughts
Changes in movement (less activity or agitation)
Physical aches and pains
Suicidal thoughts
PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)
A diagnosis of PTSD requires a discussion with a trained professional. Symptoms of PTSD generally fall into these broad categories:
Re-experiencing type symptoms, such as recurring, involuntary and intrusive distressing memories, which can include flashbacks of the trauma, bad dreams and intrusive thoughts.
Avoidance, which can include staying away from certain places or objects that are reminders of the traumatic event. A person might actively avoid a place or person that might activate overwhelming symptoms.
Cognitive and mood symptoms, which can include trouble recalling the event, negative thoughts about one’s self. A person may also feel numb, guilty, worried or depressed and have difficulty remembering the traumatic event. Cognitive symptoms can in some instances extend to include out-of-body experiences or feeling that the world is "not real" (derealization).
Arousal symptoms, such as hypervigilance. Examples might include being intensely startled by stimuli that resembles the trauma, trouble sleeping or outbursts of anger.
Whew, we are starting to dive DEEP into mental health! While the number of people that participated in the form may be small compared to the expansive body that includes boots on the ground and alllll the way to the top authorities, these stories reflect our community. When creating the form back in September, from my perspective + position, it hadn’t occurred to me to include “NIFC” as an option when I asked what regions everyone had worked in before. That is, until I noticed multiple people write “NIFC” in. That was just one instance that blew me away. Capturing this variety of experience, and having it be reflected in this project, to me makes it even more pertinent that we keep pushing for a shift in our culture. That shift is only going to happen if EVERYONE is in the convo, ya feel me?
Coping With Stress + Processing Grief
When we are feeling stressed, and in difficult situations, how do we handle it? How do we cope?
When I am stressed I remind myself that many other people have been in my shoes and that there are people out there that have it way worse than I do. I just remind myself that I am very blessed in a lot of different aspects of life.
Often you have to internalize it until you have time to decompress. It can be hard to do. Often I don't truly cope until weeks or months later.
If I do it the right way I can take a few breaths, digest the situation, and find a solution. Other times I shut down, walk away, and drink. Don’t forget drinking.
I reach out to my friends, although most my friends and family will never understand fire. I also really believe in meditation and breath work.
Talking with co workers.
Hike, random drives, do something creative.
I repeat mantras such as “ it will all work out” over and over again to myself silently. I try to see the good in the bad.
Drugs.
I dont, I just tuck it away.
I usually don’t let myself get too stressed out. Control what you can and learn to let go of the stuff you can’t. I think logically about problem/situation and try to find a way to work it out.
Nicotine and joking about it.
Breathing exercises (square breathing, etc), laughing, cursing. It's hard and I'm not always successful.
Generally well. Stress on the job is where I thrive. When all relationships crumble at home during a busy season things can become difficult to manage. Work becomes an escape. When relationships at work and at home crumble, disaster.
I eat food and try to bury my emotions.
Exercise, mindfulness meditation "Waking up App", Yoga, Make lists/plans, Drink alcohol, New recipes to cook.
Journal, meditate.
Exercise beer and talking with co workers.
Just slow down, think clearly and act.
Physical output of energy.
Exercise would help but it wasn’t a cure. I think it was helpful to talk about it but I’ve never fully opened up.
I thrive in stressful situations actually... Its more like a fight or flight....and as wildland firefighters we are very used to running toward stress and it gives us purpose.... At least me personally it does.
I work great under pressure on the line and in the office. Stress about my career, livelihood is a different deal.
What I'm currently doing is not a good coping strategy: push down or ignore those feelings in order to keep putting your next foot forward. What actually works for me is several days of nothing but sleep, gentle hiking, reading, etc.
Stay focused on the task at hand.
At work, I try to keep the things I have some control over extra organized so I am better able to deal with the things I can't control.
At home, I spend time with my animals, especially my chickens (zen birds). I find watching them weirdly soothing.
I used to just pile it away. Now, I try to talk about situations with my peers or for deeper feelings in which I’m embarrassed about, I will talk to a professional.
I have been practicing yoga for 35 years, so this helps a lot. It is NOT a replacement for mental health care - I know that. It has helped me keep perspective when stress and work beat me up.
Go keep busy, split wood, go fire up a chainsaw and thin trees. Take a dip of chew.
I tend to thrive in the middle of stressful situations like most of us chaos / adrenaline junkies. It's during R&R that I feel overwhelmed. I stayed on the couch for two days straight last R&R just zoning out.
Honestly just dig or hike harder as it blows off any angry energy I have built up.
Yelling.
Look up and around and relax.
On a good day: I journal, run, or talk about it with a friend. On a bad day: I become more aloof, seek out solo tasks, stress eat, or shut down and sleep too much.
Deep breathing, relaxation, fall a tough tree, pound wedges. It’s better than the drinking.
I used to drink alcohol. Now I practice deep breathing and I workout. I have played with meditation too. I am learning to recognize the signs that I am getting close to “red lining” my emotional and mental capacity. Then I try to slow the tempo, and take a non emotional look at what is going on
Good question?
Depends on time of year. Drink or excercise
I remind myself, unless my response can change the outcome, to step back from the situation and allow it to pass
Exercise, talk to friends, talk to my therapist, meditate.
I like to write everything down and journal a bit. Feeling more organized seems to do a good job at “grounding” myself again. So cleaning and organizing can help too if I have the time.
Tactical breathing (healthy), “self-medicating” (unhealthily), talking to someone (healthy).
Depending on the stressor either leaning on my Family or Nicotine or both. Or if I am home a glass of whiskey to calm the nerves and loosen up to talk to family about the problems.
I utilize a counselor, a friend, and a family member. Unfortunately those are all by phone but it's better than nothing.
Being present and trying to do things that I enjoy are important but not always accessible.
Noting how I am physically feeling things helps. That's a work in progress.
Denial. Distraction.
I talk with my wife and my pets. I like to exercise and use various techniques taught to me thru therapy.
I used to compartmentalize it. But the day came when it just didn’t work any longer. Now I have to avoid it for a while.
Alternate tapping my feet focusing on that rhythm, hide some place and take deep breaths picking out 5 colors and saying them, that only works a fraction of the time. Sometimes I put it in a box in my mind for later and I end up never trying to open it again.
Go for walks in the woods and talk to myself/talk through it. Occasionally reach out to family/friends, but I find this job/schedule/lifestyle makes that difficult to do. Sometimes I just write down everything I'm feeling to get it out of my head, but then I'm paranoid someone will find the notebook and read it.
I work out. I run. I've gone to friends and family and vented. I've journaled. I am a person of faith so I listen or watch church podcasts and sermons. I know I'll be okay but at the time...it's hard to be happy.
Earlier in my life (high school), I suffered from panic attacks. I didn’t have the tools to cope and just pushed through things as they came. Now, I get excited to meet the challenge, and have ways to talk myself down out of self doubt or panic.
I try to harden myself to endure it, self isolate from people, and become an absolute asshole until I have enough time alone to process, unwind and become centered again.
Listen to my favorite music and look at pictures that make me happy.
I do best when I am around people and get my mind off of it. If I stay by myself I think too much, get in my own head and it is a downward spiral. Sometimes it helps to talk about what is bugging me but most of the time I just like being around my friends/coworkers and getting my mind off of it.
Still trying to figure that out.
Making time to brew a cup of coffee on the line and take a little pause with those around you.
While there were some similar methods to processing grief, handling that is another level of stress, which usually calls for different ways of coping. Here’s your stories when I asked,
How do you process grief?
Oof, not well. I try to not think about it and honestly just feel emotionless a lot of the time when I am facing grief.
I try to surround myself with good people because I tend to sit in grief if I am by myself, even if I want nothing more than to be alone.
I don’t know it’s hard to explain. I think I process it slowly and it takes a while for it to hit me.
I cry. A lot. I talk to my best friend. I don’t think I process grief well.
I don't, sometimes I just feel like I don't have those types of emotions.
My Christian belief helps me know they are in Heaven but I still cry and mourn the loss.
Drinking alcohol.
Keep my mind off of it by keeping busy, working doing hobbies etc.
I don’t.
I dive into these states of isolation... I think it’s a coping mechanism called “Ultra - Independence”
Hide.
Ignore it.
Stuff it in order to function until I can be “ off duty”. Then allow myself to access the grief in small pieces and roll it around and accept them then put them back in the box to be dealt with later. Eat the elephant one nite at a time, only when I am ready... that is the trick to my success and my battle... not to let the monster out of the box in one whole chunk and /or at the wrong time.
Anger, sadness, frustration. Mental health counseling.
I generally withdraw. Stubborn, quiet type. Handle things myself as opposed to burdening others. Hard physical activity is the best way to express myself. Substance abuse is an easy route as well because it turns out you can’t PT 14 hours a day.
Sometimes sob to hyperventilation. Sometimes pack it in deep so I don’t feel much.
I bottle it until I can go for a hard hike alone.
I don't usually experience it. When I do I give it its sliver of time and then move on.
Through dark humor.
Good at first then horrible.
Write down what I'm grateful for, Eventually cry, not sure what else.
That everything happens for a reason..energy never dies..the best way to change that and what you attract is to come back to love..loving thought. Hug some one..etc..vibes doooooee
Laugh it off.
I don't actually know.
Time.
Compartmentalize until all needed actions are taken (i.e. after the funeral) and then allowing myself to feel the pain.
This year especially, I'm feeling grief about so many things, both close to me and in the world at large. Mostly, I try to numb myself to it, to compartmentalize, until I can find a "safe" place to think, process, and cry.
Space and time so usually after fire season.
I dissect whatever happened into a million little pieces and try to determine what I could have done to prevent or help. After days if not weeks of useless blame and grief I will begin to embrace the time I shared with a person I may have lost, or perhaps practice gratitude for a place I would visit that is now gone, or think about the small slice of the pie that I contributed to help drive the mission.
Just keep working.
I move on.........which is bad in a way. But that is the only way to KEEP moving forward for me. I acknowledge that I miss and grieve for people, and I cry....but then I try and move forward into life again.
Not well, I try not to acknowledge it. Recently I've tried writing.
Remembering the good times I had with those people and sharing stories.
Usually try to compartmentalize and not deal with it until it hits a tipping point and it all comes to the surface at once.
I try to stay busy with other projects.
Still trying to figure that out, most the time I just want to be back at work, and hope things get better.
Solitude.
Not that well I have found. I get very emotional reading about death and wasted life. People not grasping opportunities.
Talk about it. That’s the best way for me.
It's been different every time. Usually a lot of bottling up emotions and not talking about things, but I've been fortunate (?) enough to work through the stages of grief multiple times and I am getting more aware of how unhealthy certain means of coping can be; specifically my own processes. I think it's important to remember you always have things to be grateful for, even in the darkest of times!
Apparently forever.
Unsure. I’m not very emotional sometimes to a flaw.
Not well. Avoidance.
Not very well - still processing lots from the past couple of years; I get episodes of depression and crying; feeling of hopelessness.
Being a widower I feel as though I process grief by realizing what things are likely to trigger me and either dealing with them as they arise or avoiding them until a later time.
Personally that’s an ongoing conversation. After losing my husband, a career Wildland firefighter to suicide, grief is an ebb and flow and something that you learn to live and work with.
This is a tough one. I feel there is different types of grief. Grieving a family member who has come to the end of their time on earth means some crying but rejoicing in their time spent with us. One friend who committed suicide - my grief was mostly anger.... a very deep anger for several years. Another friend who committed suicide threw me into an emotional tailspin that lasted several months before I figured out I was grieving. Lots of time was spent on the phone with friends.
Music, Alcohol, Shouting at the top of my lungs in a quiet place away from everyone else, Crying when I can.
Not well... still working on this one... as best I can. Group grief therapy & grief yoga were really helpful experiences.
Take time to be sad.
Poorly. I usually feel disconnected as I’m the person that people go to to discuss their problems.
Well.
I try to face it head on. With a beer and my brothers and sisters. Family helps immensely. But I would say in all honesty I become quiet. I have a beer and stare at the sunset and the stars. Watch the fire slowly burn out, and just think, come to terms, let the emotion flow through me and run it’s course. It’s then I feel I can progress.
Let myself be sad, cuz it’s ok.
Slowly and politely. I am afraid of my emotional state affecting others so I often prioritize that over my grief.
The same as everyone else I suppose. The 5 stages seem to fit well.
Historically poor. Usually find some girl that wants my head in a freezer and put up with bullshit to distract myself. But my goal is to not fucking do that next time.
I usually ignore any emotion I'm feeling for as long as possible.
Difficultly. I have been through significant trauma this year and utilized lots of resources. Counseling, journaling, meditation, talking about it, and more counseling have worked so far. It may change, and probably will in the future, but knowing that I have resources out there is huge.
I often recess it. I know it’s not good. It usually pops up at some unfortunate time and throws a wrench in gears.
I gave up suppressing my emotions some time ago. Many of my colleagues have seen me choked up or crying at funerals, or even just talking about some of the fatalities we have had and the stories that go with them. I feel my emotions deeply and am proud to be a firefighter and part of that community.
Shame. Mostly unhealthy shame.
Let it debilitate me.
Same way, I say it’s part of life, I can’t be sad, I can’t be anxious, I can’t be weak, I put it in a box and hide it. Hoping it will go away so I can be the “resilient” forestry technician I am expected to be. Another buzz word the forest service throws around in the beginning of the season to make it look, on paper, they support their employees.
Usually through anger and depression.
Funny you are flying this surgery not because I just lost a close friend, and I’ve never had to process grief before. I’m not sure how I process it.
What I can tell you is that I immediately went into denial. When I got the news I thought there must be some mistake and looked for anyway out of what I had been told. Then I just went into horrid sadness. And that’s currently where I still am, but I am functioning and enjoying the distraction of firework and company of my crew mates.
Crying. Doing nothing or staying crazy busy.
Age regression MER technique.
My girlfriend has been very helpful for me because she makes me talk about grief and what I’m feeling. Before we started dating I would just ignore it and try to move on.
Talk to family and friends. Do other activities to distract myself.
Still working on that one.
I write in a notebook. I try to see the positives and learning opportunities ahead.
Sleep.
Alright, so we can see how we’ve all developed different ways of coping with stressful situations in our lives. The full spectrum. As we grow up we learn how to cope with stress, and that carries on into our adult life, a habit of dealing with the pressures, grief, pain, hardships. We can also adopt coping mechanisms through trauma or other significant situations we experience in our adulthood, too.
I think asking more pointed questions about negative coping mechanisms may get to the heart of a lot of the problems that we have as a community.
I was thinking the same thing! So, let’s talk coping methods.
Coping strategies are generally grouped into adaptive and maladaptive. Adaptive being considered healthy and typically involve emotional-regulation; maladaptive considered unhealthy because the “underlying thoughts, fears, and concerns are not being addressed.” (Sutton, 2020) Also something to mention as well, maladaptive coping takes on many forms; procrastination is a maladaptive coping method (which I did not know was a coping method prior to this project), and also includes emotional numbing, substance abuse, and self-harm (to name a few, based off the responses).
Why maladaptive strategies - or avoidance - can be unproductive and harmful:
Avoidance approaches can create more anxiety.
Avoidance behaviors don't solve the problem and are less effective than more proactive strategies that could potentially minimize stress in the future.
It can be frustrating to others; habitually using avoidance strategies can create conflict in relationships and minimize social support.
Doing so may allow problems to grow.
Maladaptive strategies can arise from a disruption to the typical coping development sequence in response to (Wadsworth, 2015):
Overwhelming stress – conflict within the family, financial hardship, death of a loved one, etc.
Poor treatment – growing up in a violent environment or not being given love and parental support, etc.
Emotional invalidation – being told your emotions are not reasonable, rational, or valid, etc.
Overwhelming stress, poor treatment, and emotional invalidation… Well, we all probably know a little bit about those to some degree working in wildland fire! While it’s prevalent in our society as a whole, but specifically in fire, what can emotional invalidation sound like?
“Tough it up.”
“Take care of it on R&R.”
“Don’t be a pussy.”
“You’re just overreacting.”
“Suck it up.”
“It is what it is, don’t worry about it.”
“There’s a reason women are nurses and men are firefighters.” (I shit you not, someone in an overhead role said that to my face)
“There’s no crying in baseball!” (Had to throw in that League of Their Own quote)
Yes, we should try to “leave things at the door” so we can focus on our jobs - because our job duties affect more than just ourselves and our own livelihood - but how can you leave it at the door when you don’t know HOW to? Or you don’t know when to say, “Hey, I need to stay back from this assignment and take care of myself.” This leads into a web of other things; feeling guilty about not going because you need the money or shame about letting your crew down, your overhead wants specifics because they don’t believe taking care of your mental health is important, etc. Many aspects of our work and personal lives affect our mental health and they’re usually intertwined. As you’ll see in some responses further along, maybe we need to rethink what it means to leave it at the door. Does that mean from when the shift starts? Or just while doing pertinent duties, and using the breaks we have throughout the day/night to talk things out and process?
Emotional invalidation is, in my opinion, the foundation for a lot of f’ed up shit in our society, but in our field specifically. As someone mentioned, it’s hard because there’s this balancing act of how much grit you need to withstand the job and how mentally tough you ought to be. At this point, turning down an assignment to take care of yourself mentally is not seen as a masculine thing to do… so no, talking about this line in the sand when grit turns to the breaking point isn’t a common topic. In one of my blog posts Off-Season Reflections, I dabbled into why implementing feminine traits/ways of doing things into our community isn’t bad, and that there’s a place for them to be incorporated in how we operate.
I think a lot of the issue with mental health in this field stems from young men not knowing how to process their emotions. This field is so male dominated and becomes full of egos and competition among them that staying “strong” emotionally becomes part of that culture, too.
And that can go for some of the women in this field, too, which then leads back to the culture we work in.
Alright, back to coping and grief.
I’m not here to say you’re coping wrong. From my experience in talking with fire folks, because we have to compartmentalize till we have the time to decompress and sort through things off-the-clock, I think the many ways we do cope makes it harder to actually process. You start to think, if you’ve decompressed this long why even open that box? Or you’re not sure how to sort through the box. It’s fucking scary in that box. Or you need to open that box before you get to your off days, which makes things even more difficult. Whatever process we take, I believe the things we experience and how we hold onto those experiences are not always conducive to letting ourselves heal in the long-term.
To close out this section: We have a multitude of ways we cope with stress. According to psychology + academic studies, some are considered healthy and others unhealthy. As we head into the next two sections, Toolbox and Moving Forward, I hope that all the stories and information shared so far will help in your own journey to understanding how you cope and what we can do to change how we view our mental health.
Toolbox for Your Mental Health
In this section I will be going into more detail on coping methods discussed above, other tools shared in the form, along with what has worked for me in my mental health journey thus far. And each tool isn’t going to work for everyone! Trial-and-error till you find ones that bring you back to center. :)
Alright, I asked in the form if you made time for your mental health (like exercising for your physical health, doing mental training, self-care for the mind):
About half of the total respondents did not answer this next question, so this is representation of the ones who did. If you don’t make time for your mental health, why?
For the question of, “If you don’t make time, why?”, I presented the choices of “not enough knowledge/resources”, “not sure if I am or not”, and “do not see a need”, along with a fill-in option. With the fill-ins, there are a handful of responses that tied into the categories I provided. And many of the responses to the above question have been reflected throughout the piece so far; not sure how, we need to talk about it but don’t know much about mental health, etc. Alcohol is also a common companion in coping with stress, and a reason why mental health isn’t made a priority. The answers that stood out for me though were the answers written-in with the similar theme of “not enough time”. Whether it was meant as not enough time to do things for your mental health, not enough time to find a therapist/read books/do your own research, or something else… One thing I learned in college, is that there is enough time - you just have to make it a priority. Learned as in half of my college courses and through personal experience. And for some, yea, that seems like a crazy statement. But it’s true. Especially with our world today and how much of our attention companies, phone apps, etc. want allotted for them - it can definitely seem like there is not time. Meditation does not involve hours of your day though. Neither does a yoga class. Far distances and COVID regulations can be a hindrance in how we take care of ourselves right now, but there are ways to implement small practices and changes into your life that do not take away other parts that you value.
An example that stands out to me in terms of prioritizing is one of my former yoga instructors that I am still connected with via Instagram (when social media serves its purpose!). She is a stay-at-home-mom with a coaching business, and she makes it a priority to workout every day. Her whole family is involved though; her kids get excited about placing a sticker on the calendar after she completes a workout. Some days instead of lifting dumbbells, she’s lifting her kiddos in the air and full of laughter. Even with a visit to the in-laws, she makes the time for a quick workout in the dining room. Are our journeys to incorporating our own lifestyle changes going to look like that? No. Our routines, relationships, and values are all unique, but we can lean on others, ask for help + accountability, and let people know what we need. Or at least, know that we need something even if we don’t know what it is yet. Having your significant other + family involved can be a way to connect, to let someone in and be a helping hand along the way. And maybe it’s not parents or siblings, but people in your fire family since they already have a certain level of understanding about what you’re going through.
Circling back to thinking about how mental and physical health correlate. We focus on physical training in the off-season: like running longer, climbing higher, fun bike rides, shredding the slopes, and gains for days. And once fire season starts to roll, we go into maintenance mode (at least, we should all be thinking that way). The job is taxing us physically and mentally, so we do the minimum to keep up our aerobic capacity and strength, and PT turns into just long shifts of hard work the rest of the season. Just because we stop having a designated PT time during the season doesn’t mean we can’t do something to help us mentally and emotionally. Will it be hard? Absolutely. Will it be worth it? ABSOLUTELY. And during the off-season, doing activities that encompass all aspects of our health will show improvements across the board in our lives. Day to day is going to look different for everyone, just like with training our bodies. Some mornings you’ll fly through the miles. Other times just getting off the couch and walking to the kitchen is a win for the day.
I was trying to heed my own advice during my first season in an office position. Being in dispatch, I was struggling to keep up my physical fitness while I could feel the mental drain of the season taking a toll with continued long days. The less physical I was made me feel even more bleh to do anything (y’all know what I’m talkin bout). We all experience the physical and mental exhaustion of the job differently due to our various positions, but it shows the we have to make priorities for ourselves. Now that I already have some slides built of what to expect with this new path, I can better prepare how to incorporate the balance I need to keep strong and rested physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually in dispatch. I believe it’s important to let someone know your goals, let them be involved in your journey. At the end of the day though, YOU are responsible for taking care of yourself.
As we go through the “toolbox” soon, think about ways you can incorporate these tools maybe not just with yourself, but with others as well. Think how you could make your mental health a priority during the summer. Even if it’s only a priority for 1 minute a day.
I asked y’all in the form:
If you make time for your mental health - what does that look like?
There are so many ways we take the time to care for ourselves mentally already!! And some of those are methods that we can utilize in short spans of time on the road, while others are ways to prioritize when we have days off. Now I will be going into more depth on some of the practices listed above, as well as sharing more of what has helped myself and the rest of y’all.
Orange links will lead you to a website for information, to purchase a book, dive into articles, and watch videos!
Happy clicking in the Toolbox. :)
Physical, Mental, Emotional, + Spiritual Activities
Meditation was mentioned frequently as ways to cope with stress or train for your mental health, so we’re starting with a few tools in this realm!
What’s the Best Meditation Technique for You? || online article
Meditation/Mindfulness Apps
In general, I think using an app is beneficial for many because especially as you dip your toes into understanding how you work and what you need, meditation apps can provide you useful tips, other information on why it benefits you, and also how to do it. Most of the meditation apps out right now are focused on mindfulness - practicing being aware and in the present moment.
Waking Up || From the site, here is why Sam Harris’ Waking Up is different from other mindfulness apps:
There are hundreds of meditation apps on the market, and several do a fine job of teaching the basic principles of mindfulness. But most present the practice as though it were an ancient version of an executive stress ball—whereas it’s more like the Hubble Space Telescope. The purpose of meditation isn’t merely to reduce stress or to make you feel better in the moment—it’s to make fundamental discoveries in the laboratory of your own mind.
A few of you mentioned using Waking Up, saying that it was a way to learn about spirituality without a lot of the jargon/vibes that comes with delving into a specific religion. With the link above, you can check out how much it is for three and twelve month subscription prices, and a Q&A that answers some questions you’re probably already thinking about all this.
Headspace || I feel like Headspace is the OG of meditation apps; at least, it is the first one I remember reading about when the discussion of meditation was becoming mainstream (again), and it is still a widely used app! Like the Waking Up app, Headspace brings you guided meditation in a non-religious way. There’s an option to pay monthly or commit to an annual subscription (I love choices!)
Calm || Another app that has sounds/music for focus and relaxation, guided meditations, and other tools to practice mindfulness. This was also suggested by a fellow forestry tech.
And like the founders of Headspace said, you should be able to get a membership for your mental health just like you would for a gym!
Meditation for Beginners || from Headspace
Meditation and Changing Perspective || YouTube video from Headspace
Based off the video I shared above about changing perspective, I’ll give you my experience with meditation. The day I decided to start meditating, for a little bit I thought that it was bullshit. Turns out, I just needed to practice more. When the purpose of your meditation is on awareness, your mind isn’t complete silence. I know we all wish that could happen, it would make it a lot easier to simply turn off the faucet of negative thoughts flowing around in your head. With meditation, you become aware of those negative thoughts, but you don’t jump on board and follow them around. You let them go. Come and go, come and go. Being aware that you did jump onto that train of thought is the key though, and from there you can return awareness to your breath. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. Another thought train comes, loaded with worry about who’s going to pick the kids up from school and the list of things to do and wondering if your task book is going to be accepted at the red card committee and why hasn’t that supervisor called me back yet will I even be a good fit on that crew what if I should’ve stayed in my home state and…. See, jumped onto that thought train. Here comes another one, filled with worry about not being a fast enough runner… Inhale, exhale… And we let that train of thought go on by. It’s all about just letting the thoughts go by, your awareness being on your breath. And it makes it easier to understand why those thought trains go down the path the way they do because you’re able to view it from the sidelines, not amidst the chaos.
Books About Meditation
I will link both of these down below in the book section as well!
How to Meditate || Pema Chodron’s book How to Meditate is a great way to learn about meditation and the benefits of it.
Waking Up: A Guide to Spirituality Without Religion || the title says it all!
Meditation Retreats
If you have the opportunity and up to the mental challenge, there are meditation retreats. A friend of mine in fire went to one, and said it was the hardest thing he’s ever done in his life. I’ll link some articles about meditation retreats and what they entail if that’s something that interests you.
What Is Vipassana Meditation? || online article
My exhausting meditation retreat || online article; insightful story on someone who never meditated before and signed up for a retreat. Here’s an excerpt:
I chose this specific course, which took place in New Zealand, because despite the trendiness of meditation classes and apps, Vipassana seemed to be about equanimity, discipline and hard work – right up my alley. I am not the most woo woo of humans, and the idea of a giant drum circle of positive thinkers made me want to run away screaming.
Vipassana is different from mindfulness meditation, which focuses on awareness, or to transcendental meditation, which uses a mantra. Instead, it dictates a blanket command of non-reaction. No matter the pain as you sit, or the fact that your hands and legs fall asleep and that your brain is crying for release. You are instructed to refocus attention on the objective sensations in your body, arising and falling, as you do a scan of your limbs in a specific order. By doing so, over 10 days, you train yourself to stop reacting to the vicissitudes of life.
- Jodi Ettenburg, her story in The Guardian
Mantras + Affirmations
When I was in college, learning about mantras and affirmations was extremely helpful in seeing my financial struggles in a new light, and gave me the power to change my perspective when I needed to. Even though affirmations and mantras are technically different - for the sake of our discussion here, they’re the same thing and I’m going to use them interchangeably. Mantras can be a repeated sound/vibration, or a word/phrase that you repeat to yourself out loud or in your head; they can help you overcome self-sabotaging, negative thoughts, and help you visualize and create positive changes.
The following has been said by many and in different variations, “Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, your values become your destiny.” While you don’t have to fret about the weight of your destiny at this moment, the first step is right in the beginning - your thoughts.
Using affirmations is a way to change the stream of thoughts in your head, even if for only thirty seconds at a time. Thirty seconds of having some sort of control, ya know? During times when I was frustrated and low-key felt like yelling at everyone while on a crew… I would pull out my little notepad and write out affirmations that helped me cool off and take attention away from the stream of things swirling around up in my head. I’d write out the Four Agreements (more on these later), or things like “I am confident and speak my truths” (because when I am feeling insecure, I have a hard time saying what’s on my mind/heart in fear of causing conflict or having people disagree with me). Especially the fire season before, I focused my attention on the mantra “Om”, and breathing along with the strokes of the pen. (Google the power of Om, good stuff.) Writing in your notepad for a few moments or reciting a mantra before passing out in your sleeping bag is an accessible way to practice coming back to center even while you’re off on an assignment, when you usually feel like there is no way to release anything building up inside.
What is a Mantra? || online article
How to Create Mantras + Affirmations || online article
A Little Bit of Mantras || book [I loved the Little Bit of Buddha book in this series, and have no doubt this one is just as great]
Malas
I think of malas as a step up from mantras. If you grew up Catholic, a mala is kind of like a rosary.. but different, obviously. A mala is made of 108 beads (or a fraction of, 108 is a sacred number) and used to keep count while meditating. Instead of reciting different prays per x number of beads, the mala is a universal tool to help you focus. Here is an excerpt on how a mala works and how to use it in your meditation/reflection/prayer practice:
Clarify the intention of your practice and choose your intention or affirmation. In some traditions, a mantra (sacred sound) is given to you.
Find a quiet space and sit in a comfortable position with back support, if you're new to meditation, with your eyes closed. We recommend NOT to lie down (or you may fall asleep).
Take a few deep breaths to center and observe the speed and depth of your natural breath. Don't control it - just follow it several cycles.
Bring your focus and attention onto your mantra/intention or affirmation.
Start with the bead next to the Guru bead. The Guru bead, that is bigger and represents "one's teacher," is the 109th bead at the bottom of the mala.
Hang the first mala bead gently on the middle or ring finger of your hand. Place your thumb on the guru bead, and use it to count each smaller bead, pulling it with the thumb towards you as you count, or repeat your mantra.
The Guru bead eventually becomes the last bead of your meditation.
Holding the Guru bead repeat your mantra and use the moment to set your intention.
If you want to continue, instead of passing over the Guru bead, simply reverse direction and begin again.
- from Modernom.com article (referenced below)
Last season when I worked in dispatch, I brought my mala to work a few times; wore it as a necklace, or set it at the top of my desk where it was in my line of vision and remember whatever intention I was musing over the last few days or weeks. Do I meditate with my mala every day? Heck no, I wish! But for the days when I really feel like my head needs a reset button, the mala helps me keep focus while I recite my affirmations during a longer meditation session. You can also find mala bracelets, which could work great for being out in the field or keeping with you in your gear. Or even a necklace/bracelet you already wear? A string of p-cord with knots along the length of it? I know y’all are creative.
While I am sharing quite a few tools that are based in eastern religion, you don’t have to hold certain beliefs to benefit from the use of them! Especially today, people are helping to make them more accessible and not tied to a specific religion.
What is a Mala? || online article
Have a mala made just for you || Instagram [Made by Marno]
Therapy/Counseling
THE resource. We know that therapy can be a struggle to a) find the right therapist and b) have the time/money to keep utilizing. It’s a way to express those thoughts you don’t want to share with the people close to you out of fear of judgement or embarrassment. Therapists can guide you to the boxes that you’ve tucked away. And give you the tools to keep helping yourself. Therapy doesn’t always have to mean one-on-one; group grief therapy has helped immensely for a few of you. You can go as a couple, or a mix of one-on-one and couples therapy so you can better understand your spouse and grow together. There are also ways to do therapy online! It’s not the same as in person, but depending on where you live it wouldn’t hurt to give it a shot. Fall down seven times, get up eight - right?
I was diagnosed with PTSD in the spring of 2020. Filed a CA-2. Regularly attend counseling and medical check ups. I was able to return to full duty but it took 3 months and I have to avoid some typical duties still. I seriously recommend folks get help early...don’t wait until your mind and body shut down completely...because it can happen. It’s terrifying and then it just takes longer for the symptoms to fade...and it takes a lot of work.
Mountain Mind Tricks || Thomas has been in wildland fire for fourteen years, and has a wealth of knowledge to help you reach your highest potential with deeper alternative therapy. Reach out to him to start talking about how he can help you release the baggage you’ve been carrying around.
I spent the last fourteen years fighting wildfires across the western U.S. I had times on the fireline were I found inner peace and times I found my fear controlling me. The constant fear, stress and rushing that is the life of a wildland firefighter made my fight or flight response stay locked on full throttle. I knew I had to overcome the anxiety and dread for me to be happy. So begins the story of Mountain Mind Tricks.
-Thomas Wurm, mountainmindtricks.com
A few talked about how online therapy was beneficial for them; below is a resource recommended on the Life With Fire podcast:
Better Help || online counseling; “Making professional counseling accessible, affordable, convenient - so anyone who struggles with life’s challenges can get help, anytime, anywhere.”
Forest Bathing
A lot of us probably think we already incorporate forest bathing - because we work in the forests - but forest bathing is a little bit slower pace than what we’re used to. For the best forest bathing experience (and to reap the most benefits), it is suggested to walk slowly through a forest with a dense canopy of trees (more green = better). We may not all have access to thick, lush forests, but I’m sure we can be mindful and take in our surroundings while we walk - slowly, that is.
There’s No Running in Forest Bathing || REI article
Yoga
On numerous occasions over the years I’ve heard fire people dis on yoga, saying it’s too easy - well, have you ever done a downdog-chaturanga sequence over and over again?? It’s freaking HARD. Also a fun fact, yoga is a masculine activity (in terms of movement style) and was exclusively practiced by men until recently. Recently, as in relative to the 5,000 years that yoga has been around.
“The asana-based Hatha yoga, the basis for most yoga practiced today, didn’t gain popularity until the Middle Ages. It’s ironic that this type of yoga is now seen as ‘girly’, because Hatha yoga was originally practiced by a militarized yogic order known as the Nath yogis.”
While you may not be on a crew that is down with Yoga Thursdays or incorporating solid cool downs into the PT program yet, yoga classes + online videos are a great resource for you to utilize on your own. Kind of like with finding a therapist, it may take a few videos to find the right instructor you want to learn from. My personal favorite is Yoga With Adriene, but there are SO MANY videos on YouTube and through different sites that offer all types of yoga. Or go take a class and experience it with a group of people + support your local studios!
8 Major Styles of Yoga || GAIAM article
Find Your Match Among the Many Types of Yoga || Yoga Journal article
I bet incorporating the following movements into PT would be a simple way to show that yoga (and stretching correctly) makes a difference in your physical and mental performance:
Yoga For Runners: 7 MIN PRE-RUN || YouTube video
Yoga For Runners: 7 MIN POST-RUN || YouTube video
And as you saw, those videos are seven minutes long. That’s less than 1% of a 16-hr shift.
PT [Physical Training]
And while we are on the topic of changing up PT; if your region is scheduling a TPFD (Introductory Principles and Techniques of Physical Fitness Development) class through the Forest Service, TAKE IT. Send as many people as you can. We are seeing a lot of growth in different aspects of our community, mental health being one, but also physical health. NTDP (National Training and Development Center, formerly Missoula Training and Development Center) has been gathering data to better serve us in the field, and now with this TPFD class being taken by more and more federal employees (there were classes spring of 2020 but they were cancelled due to COVID), we are going to be better equipped to take care of ourselves physically too. A key takeaway that you can utilize right now: 80/20 rule. 80% of your workouts should be lower intensity (low-moderate heart rate), 20% high intensity (high-max heart rate). A lot of PT programs use the framework of “if you didn’t puke you didn’t push hard enough” and “run/lift to exhaustion every single time”. There are studies that show that working your body at high intensity all the time is physically (and mentally) taxing. I’ll leave it at that for now, but here’s a book to check out in the mean time:
Training for the Uphill Athlete: A Manual for Mountain Runners and Ski Mountaineers by Kilian Jornet, Steve House and Scott Johnston
Last note on PT - exercise produces endorphins in our body, it releases tension that’s built up… We can not use exercise as an avoidance method for actually processing our emotions though. Evading the situation for weeks, months or years till you hear a certain song or walk through a fire scar until it all bubbles up to the surface is what many have been doing. We gotta use PT, not abuse it.
Massage
Massage, chiropractor, and acupuncture; these are other ways to take care of yourself along with seeing a doctor or physical therapist. With us being so frazzled with mental overload, that takes a toll on our body. And can manifest physically. There are massage studios that accept insurance, and others that don’t cost too much out of pocket; financially, it may not be feasible. But physical touch, without the intimacy, can do wonders mentally and emotionally, and you can leave the session with less weight on your shoulders. And while not directly related, one of my college professors always said, “If you’re not getting eight hugs a day, you’re not living.” And honestly it becomes more true for me with each passing day.
Breathing Exercises
Square Breathing || Also called box breathing, it is simple, easy to remember, and can quickly change your physical and mental state. As I was writing this section, I overheard in my husband’s academy class discussion about the benefits of meditation and breathing. I know, Universe, we are on TRACK!
The act of holding your breath followed by a slow exhale that is the same or longer than the inhale actually changes your physiological state. Your heart rate slows and blood pressure lowers. And with those changed (among the other biochemical processes happening), you are leaving that “flight or fight” mode that’s usually kicked into high gear all the time in fire. And for some, in that gear year round.
Below is an image to visually guide you through the breathing:
“If you feel agitated at all on the exhale hold, you can shorten it to a two or three count. If four count is easy, consider doing it for five or six counts. Unless you are doing this to extend your breath hold duration as well – for spearfishing or SEAL training – there is no significant benefit to doing more than a six-count hold.”
Wim Hof Breathing || beneficial to a fellow forestry tech! Not recommended for practicing while on shift like square breathing is.
I can’t remember where exactly I learned this (most likely a yoga class), but to chill out I use a 3-2-5 method. Inhale slowly through the nose for three counts, hold for two counts, exhale slowly through the mouth for five counts. Repeat that a few times, return to a normal breathing pattern, and my mind feels 10x better. What is also very invigorating is to use that same method but on the exhale, emphasize the sound of your breath with “ha”. It sounds funny at first, but it feels like weights falling off your shoulders when you do that. Breathing like a lion is how it’s described.
Journaling
You can’t fuck up journaling. There’s no “right” way to do it, which is why it’s the best tool (in my opinion).
A journal offers you a private place to go and do whatever you like. You can work on your writing skills by creating stories out of your life. You can use the pen and paper to vent your frustrations. You can write about things you want to do later in life. You can keep track of what you eat. In short, you can do anything. Everything from your deepest feelings to your craziest ideas can be filed into a journal. Journals offer incredible personal benefits as they are not written for an audience, but rather for yourself. Ultimately, by keeping a journal, you get personal freedom and space.
- Penzu.com
Endless possibilities! If you still need some structure in going about journaling though, you can check out the links below:
Short Course in Journal Writing || online article
Benefits of Journaling for Depression, Anxiety, and Stress || Positive Psychology article
How to Write a Reflective Journal with Tips and Examples || Penzu article
Anxious about someone else reading your notepad or journal?? Quite a few years ago I started using Penzu, which is an online journal that requires a login. Keeps it private, and there’s also an app for journaling on the go with your handy-dandy smartphone! Perfect for while on assignment.
Walking + Talking
Something I learned from therapy is to walk + talk; or maybe not necessarily learned it there, but was told of the importance and benefits of the activity. While talking about your dreams, fears, etc, as you walk, you are utilizing both sides of your brain. That’s why I feel so revived after going on hikes with a friend and talking about everything under the sun!
Notes from my therapy session about walking + talking:
Talking about your hopes, dreams, fears, feelings integrates both the left brain and right brain. The feelings/big picture/fears of the right and talking/putting order to via the left. Use both sides together, so they can practice communicating and integrating.
- my therapist
Learning a New Skill
For any fellow perfectionists out there - you’re not going to be an expert after the first go at something new, so give yourself a slap on the back for practicing and try again. Learning something new (especially if it’s not directly fire-related) can give you a sense of purpose. It may not be the same adrenaline-pumping-saving-forests-as-a-team purpose, but something to look forward to. To challenge yourself. We all love challenges here, right? This off-season my latest endeavors have been learning to hoop and play electric guitar. It has been SO much fun, and a great way to practice self-compassion and work on persisting through failure. That leads me to…
Goals
Goals goals goals. Goals can be intimidating. Even so, they can be fun, fulfilling, and will help you grow personally and professionally! I was taught the following method in college, and it is a great tool for getting started on setting SMART goals:
[Using running as an example]
S - Specific: Not “I want to run more”; say “I will run 10 miles/week” or “I will run this marathon in March”
M - Measurable: Can you measure it? Can you track mini-goals along the way to get you to your main goal? i.e. sign up for the race, increasing your mileage each week, improving your times.
A - Achievable: Is it achievable? If you sign up for a race that’s in two months but you’ve only been logging a few miles a week, is running the whole marathon in its entirety achievable?
R - Relevant: Do you have the means to train for the race? Are you following a training plan that doesn’t fit your lifestyle? Does this goal line up with your values, or others values?
T - Timely: Set a due date, a weekly mileage, mile pace, or use the day of your race!
Here’s a great worksheet from WomensRunning.com to use in setting goals for yourself, which can help give you purpose when you’re laid-off for the winter. And it’s not specific for running! Whether you’re wanting to work towards a certification, creating new policies, adjusting your diet, or incorporating activities to benefit your mental health - print it off and start!
SMART Goals || online article
One small goal at a time, and then one day you’ll look back and say, “Shiiit, I did all that?!”
Visualizing/Imagery Work
Many successful athletes incorporate visualizing into their training. Therapists and coaches can give you better direction in visualizing and doing imagery work, even a guided imagery session, but I would try it out for yourself in the meantime.
All of us use imagery to recreate experiences. Have you ever watched the swing of a great golfer and tried to copy the swing? Have you ever mentally reviewed the steps and music of an aerobic dance workout before going to class? We are able to accomplish these things because we can remember events and recreate pictures and feelings of them. We can also imagine (or “image”) and picture events that have not yet occurred. (1)
Not only can we visualize ourselves cutting down a complex tree or hooking up a bucket, we can visualize how we will respond in certain situations, like a conversation with your supervisor or when you hear a triggering sound.
Imagery can, and should, involve as many senses as possible. Even when imagery is referred to as “visualization”, the kinesthetic, auditory, tactical, and olfactory senses are all potentially important.
Let’s look at how you might use a variety of senses as a baseball batter. First, you obviously use visual sense to watch the ball as the pitcher releases it and it comes toward the plate. You use kinesthetic sense to know where you bat is and to transfer your weight at the proper time to maximize power. You use auditory sense to hear the sound of the bat hit the ball. You can also use your tactile sense to note how the bat feels in your hands. Finally, you might use your olfactory sense to smell the freshly mowed grass. (1)
(1) Weinberg, Robert S and Gould, Daniel. “Imagery.” Foundations of Spot and Exercise Psychology, Human Kinetics, 2011, pp. 294–295.
Does that help give you an idea of how powerful imagery can be? It’s truly amazing what we’re capable of.
Get Outside
This will look different for everyone, in terms of what brings you joy, but here are some ways y’all have been enjoying fresh air when you can to re-center:
Riding horses
Cutting wood
Playing with my animals
Walk around the neighborhood
Disc golf with friends
Skiing/Snowboarding
Solo hikes
Watching the sunset
Hunting
Fishing
Yard work
Long, slow runs
Bonfires
Sometimes it can still be a struggle to actually GET OUTSIDE even when you know it will make you feel better. Set a goal or reminder and go take care of yourself.
Other Activities/Tools
Greater Good Toolkit || from Holstee; “Each practice has four sections: why it is important, how to do it, why it works, and the primary research that supports it.” This kit is marketed towards coaches and therapists, but we all like to know why we’re doing something so I figured this would be a great tool to implement individually or with some crew mates. I have the Holstee Reflection Cards, and those are perfect for the walking + talking that was discussed above!
Breathe With Tea || texting service; daily texts to help in your self-care with reminders like, “Did you eat today?” “Go do your least favorite chore for 30 minutes. Just do it. You’ll thank yourself later.” “Breathe some love deep into your chest.” I also spoke directly with Tea and she was able to accommodate a less frequent texting plan (3x week) if that’s more your jam! We all need someone to remind ourselves that we need care, and provide a little accountability.
Text “HOME” to 741741 || This is a Crisis Text Line, available 24/7. When I tested it out a few months ago I was connected with a Crisis Counselor within 8 minutes! Maybe they won’t know exactly what you are going through as a wildland firefighter, but there’s someone that wants to listen to you and help you out. Save it in your phone for when you or someone in your life needs it.
Surround yourself with supportive people and environments! That might look like not going to the bar on Friday’s because you won’t be able to say no to the third beer. Or joining an accountability group. Getting ahold of a fellow brother or sister to talk things out. Following accounts on social media that assist in your growth.
Notes From Your Therapist || Instagram; she’s great + you’ll appreciate her vulnerability.
A Guide to How to Feel || PDF download/print by Allyson Dinneen (creator of Notes From Your Therapist)
a post from “Notes From Your Therapist”
Books/Audiobooks
Ranging from self-development to how we make decisions, a collection of books and audiobook suggestions :)
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown || Read and listen to ANYTHING Brené Brown! I’ve also read Braving the Wilderness and Rising Strong (well, almost done with that one), but Daring Greatly has made a big impact on my life. And I actually heard about Brene through an amazing woman that was on assignment with us while we were incorporating “training hours” into the slower days on base. Brené is a researcher from Texas, and is able to talk about things like shame and being vulnerable in such a down-to-earth and humorous way because of how honest she is about her growth.
Extreme Ownership: How U.S. Navy SEALs Lead and Win || Recommend by a few of y’all! And is also part of the Anchorpoint’s first pick for the book club getting started, so I expect many of you will enjoy this.
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz with Janet Mills || Here are the four agreements: Be impeccable with your word; Don’t take anything personally; Don’t make assumptions; Always do your best. A short read, and you can utilize the four agreements for most situations in your life.
How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence by Michael Pollan || With the last two chapters going into the neuroscience behind psychedelics and psychotherapy treatments, this book sheds light onto the subject that has been cast into a dark stereotype for so long. He also narrates the audiobook (that’s usually a large factor into getting certain audiobooks for me)!
Living the Sutras: A Guide to Yoga Wisdom Beyond the Mat by Kelly DiNardo and Amy Pearce-Hayden || BY FAR my favorite book. It came to me at the time in my life when I needed it most, and incorporates so much into such a little book: modern-day translation and explanation of the Yoga Sutras and journal prompts for each sutra or group of sutras to grow deeper. Definitely an “active self-study” as described. During my season on helitack we were incorporating training hours at 14:00 on the slower shifts; for my day I read one of the chapters and we completed the journal questions individually as a way to learn about situational awareness from another perspective.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: : A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson || I honestly did not finish the whole thing (not my vibe), but the first part was enough to plant the seed of needing to dig even deeper and immerse myself in more books! I share more about the book in my post Off-Season Reflections.
The Art of Communication by Thich Nhat Hanh || Also a relatively short read, and taps into communication with ourselves and with others.
Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman || “System 1 is fast, intuitive, and emotional; System 2 is slower, more deliberative, and more logical. The impact of overconfidence on corporate strategies, the difficulties of predicting what will make us happy in the future, the profound effect of cognitive biases on everything from playing the stock market to planning our next vacation--each of these can be understood only by knowing how the two systems shape our judgments and decisions.”
The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg || Adapting our lifestyles to include taking care of our mental health means building new habits and routines. Charles explains the habit loop (how we form habits), why they’re important, and then discusses habits at an individual, organizational, and societal level. It heightened my awareness of how much psychology goes into successful marketing (I still love you, Target), but also gave me the ability to understand how I live and how to change it.
Be Kind by his holiness the Dalai Lama || a short, sweet read by his holiness. “Kindness is crucial to our society and to our survival.”
A Little Bit of Buddha: An Introduction to Buddhist Thought by Chad Mercree || Small book, easy read, A Little Bit of Buddha gives you the basics to understand Buddhist philosophy. In my opinion, Buddhism is more like a philosophy of self-development training rather than a religion, so I think this book is accessible for many people no matter your background.
Waking Up: A Guide to Spirituality Without Religion by Sam Harris || As mentioned above in the Meditation section, this a great read if you want to dive into spirituality without involving religion.
How to Meditate || Pema Chodron’s book How to Meditate is a great way to learn about meditation and the benefits of it.
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron || While I have not read this yet, I know that it has helped many close friends of mine that are not in fire process grief and hard times. And no matter where you work, every single person can feel grief, it’s universal.
Invisible Influence: The Hidden Forces That Shape Behavior by Jonah Berger || Through the studies and stories shared in this book, Jonah explains that at the end of the day we are all in this balance of wanting to be an individual and part of the group with everything we do. In fire, I think there are many decisions we face and actions we take that are based (even if subconsciously) on whether we need to blend in or be the black sheep to make a change. I talked more about a specific study in my post Confidence, and Where Can I Find Some.
Eastern Body, Western Mind: Psychology and the Chakra System As a Path to the Self by Anodea Judith || Coming in at 458 pages before the endnotes, this is an in-depth look at viewing our growth + psychology via the chakra system. Honestly, I really found this helpful for thinking about how I want to raise my future children and understanding their development through the years. It also shed light onto boxes that I didn’t even know I had when it comes to relationships. One night I was reading a chapter and burst into tears because I had felt so seen and understood. Idk, if I cry I will always suggest it because that means it tapped into something deep.
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho || Take a break from the non-fiction and dive into an inspirational story. “There is only one way to learn. It’s through action.”
Out of Your Mind: Essential Listening from the Alan Watts Audio Archives by Alan Watts [audiobook] || Known for popularizing Buddhism, Taoism, and Hinduism for Westerners, Alan Watts has a wealth of knowledge and wisdom to share. If you really want to dive into who you are, what we all are, I would recommend Alan Watts. I am currently part way through The Book: On the Taboo of Knowing Yourself (published 1966), and would also recommend The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for an Age of Anxiety (on my list to read).
Spirit Hacking: Shamanic Keys to Reclaim Your Personal Power, Transform Yourself and Light Up the World by Shaman Durek || a recommendation from y’all!
It has some different thinking with Shaman rituals, and a bit of emotional and spiritual growth in there as well. Some parts didn’t hit home, but he has some good things to say.
Lincoln’s Melancholy: How Depression Challenged a President and Fueled His Greatness by Joshua Wolf Shenk || Not recommended by a forestry tech, but Ed Roberson of Mountain & Prairie podcast is always reading a good book! Looking forward to reading this one.
Becoming by Michelle Obama || Michelle is just REAL and so open about all aspects of her life and growth. While we aren’t running for public office, I think a lot of us could relate to her and her life in regards to a spouse taking a job in a different location, the demands of certain fields and how that affects your family, and having a spouse that finds a strong sense of purpose in their career pursuits.
Podcasts/Videos/Talks
Inside the mind of a master procrastinator || TED Talk; as an avid procrastinator myself, I’ve watched this one multiple times. I have gotten better about procrastination in different areas of my life, but it’s still my top avoidance tactic and can cause so much anxiety. Even just low-key anxiety and I’m like, “why have I been sleeping like shit and my bowels are f’ed up?? ohhh… I’ve been avoiding doing X because of Z.” Plus he makes the subject funny the whole way through. Humor is always good.
How to Start a Movement - Leadership Lessons From Dancing Guy || YouTube video; always a good one to revisit from time to time, and to prime us to keep pushing for making mental health a priority in our community!
Jocko Podcast || Mentioned by a few fellow forestry techs!
Awesomeology (GRATITUDE) with Neil Pasricha || Ologies podcast; great episode, funny, and, “journaling is a prescription!”
Unlocking Us: Brené Brown on Shame & Accountability || This episode is focused on shame + accountability when it comes to racism, yet this can also give you an overall better understanding on how shame and accountability work (and shame ain’t the game to play!) The Unlocking Us podcast has a lot of great episodes to listen to!
Behind the Shield || Podcast
Josh Brolin (who played Eric Marsh in Only the Brave) has been on an episode, and they had a great meandering conversation about identity as a firefighter - being superhuman and that whole complex of not asking for help. James the host is very approachable, too.
Shawn Ryan Show w/ Ed Calderon || YouTube video
Towards the end, Ed talked about PTSD from the narco wars - and "chasing the dragon" so to speak. Something I really identify with after 18 years in the fire business. Needing the rush. It's actually a chemical addiction!
The Michelle Obama Podcast || I mentioned her book Becoming in the previous section, but her podcast is great, too! If you had to start with one, the episode with Conan O’Brian about marriage is hilarious.
Nelda St.Clair || The Anchor Point Podcast; there are a few episodes that discuss mental health, but here’s the first one!
Off-Season Struggles: Understanding Wildland Firefighter Mental Health || Life With Fire podcast; This episode dives into what the mental health struggles look like from the perspective of currently laid-off seasonal firefighters.
The Call to Courage with Brené Brown || a new show on Netflix featuring the amazing Brené Brown (I will never stop talking about her)
Anne Martin: Wildland Firefighter and Mental Health Advocate || Sacred Ancestry podcast; Thomas, the same individual behind the services offered through Mountain Mind Tricks, brings you this podcast with many episodes that intertwine mental health and the wildland fire community.
Music/Sounds
We all have our favorite songs! They heighten our emotions whether we feel in love, angry, excited, sad… Sound is magical and powerful!!
Healing With Sound, Frequency and Vibration || online article
An excerpt from the above Healing With Sound article:
For those struggling with addiction and substance dependencies, learning to play an instrument may play an important role in recovery. A study at the University of Wisconsin showed that exposure to the right music, tones, and frequencies produces dopamine, which is in short supply for the nervous system during the withdrawal process.
- Gaia staff, March 2020
Here is an excerpt from an article published in 2005:
Sound healing, like other mind-body treatments, he said, could act as a placebo, or it may distract the mind, breaking a stress cycle. "Even if it breaks your cycle for 15 minutes, that's sometimes enough to have a therapeutic effect," Dr. Vad said.
-NY Times article, 2005
Sometimes, plugging in to a song or sitting a few minutes with a singing bowl is just the ticket to break the stream of thoughts, disrupt the stress cycle, and provide the opportunity to see life through a clear lens again. We actually have systems in place in our body specifically to FORGET and interrupt short-term memory, which in turn allows us to be mindful more easily (and to forget how birthing a child feels). Check out the third chapter of The Botany of Desire by Michael Pollan for more on that.
Music and lyrics can carry such potent energy. With us currently living through a pandemic, not having our usual live shows to groove and boogie at is probably one of the biggest struggles for me during all this. Connecting with like-minded humans, surrounded by rhythms that tap into your SOUL, is what brings me back to life. Eventually we will have bluegrass festivals, rock shows, and killer EDM sets to have as part of our self-care routines again. Until then, I would highly suggest these:
Find recordings of your favorite live performances.
Listening to any live show very loud or favorite playlist and dancing like crazy even more than you typically do. Groovin’ around the house has been a major relaxation technique for me throughout the last year.
If you don’t already, listen to music without lyrics! I feel like it works similarly to walking + talking, or listening to a lecture while using a stress hand ball. It’s like a ground wire for your brain, so you can flow your energy into a project/assignment or focus on your body while you exercise.
As mentioned earlier with learning a new skill, find a reason to take on the day by learning an instrument if you have the means! My husband got me an electric guitar for the off-season, and it has been super fun learning how to play! As I’m progressing, I get to be excited about something and have a goal to work towards. Seven Nation Army will be the first song to tackle, if you were wondering. :) There’s options to rent (I think you can do that during COVID still, right??), or look into singing bowls, wooden flutes, a kalimba, or harmonica! I mean, playin’ the blues with the harmonica before everyone settles into their sleeping bags, spiked way up in the mountains?? I want to hear that on a fire.
People With Anxiety Find Relief in Sensory Deprivation Tanks || VICE
I Tried Float Therapy to Calm My Mind. Here’s What Happened || Runners World;
…flotation is pretty similar to meditation. But by depriving the senses of sight, sound, and touch, float pods may make it a lot easier to tame an overly stimulated mind and get into that meditative state. Some people, especially athletes, use their sessions as a mental “blank slate” for completing performance-boosting visualization exercises, explains clinical and sports psychologist Leah Lagos Wallach, Psy.D.
Academic Research + Other Articles
For further investigation!
Mindfulness Training: Worthwhile As a Means To Enhance First-Responder Crisis Decision Making?
Potential of Mindfulness and Art Therapy for Emergency First Responders
Mindfulness is related to posttraumatic growth because it is necessary for people to pay attention to their traumatic memories, process them, and make meaning from them to move forward psychologically (Chopko & Schwartz, 2009). Another aspect of posttraumatic growth involves the exertion of psychological control over the traumatic event to cope (Chopko & Schwartz, 2009).
- Kayla M Sweet, Potential of Mindfulness and Art Therapy study
Yoga as an adjunctive treatment for posttraumatic stress disorder: a randomized controlled trial
Yoga significantly reduced PTSD symptomatology, with effect sizes comparable to well-researched psychotherapeutic and psychopharmacologic approaches. Yoga may improve the functioning of traumatized individuals by helping them to tolerate physical and sensory experiences associated with fear and helplessness and to increase emotional awareness and affect tolerance.
Meditation: In Depth || National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health
Rigorous Study Backs A Psychedelic Treatment For Major Depression || easily digestible NPR article (pun was not intended but now it is)
From a psychological perspective, MM [Mindfulness Meditation] employs mental strategies that augment emotional and cognitive self-regulation in the long term (73, 133, 154), whereas psilocybin has neuromodulatory effects that induce a state of apparent “flexible” cognition, and may lead to personal insights that diminish negative biases (102, 111). A combination of MM and psilocybin could possibly shift both the cognitive frame and content of thoughts towards a more positive, open-minded outlook, promote the feeling of control over strong emotions that might occur under the acute effects of psilocybin, or improve communication skills. This may ultimately enhance psychological factors, such as mood, cognitive control, and relationship satisfaction. Recent research suggests that the extent of psilocybin-induced ego dissolution during a mindfulness session might play a very important role in the endurance of positive changes in psycho-social functioning (158).
FDA Approves Esketamine Nasal Spray For Hard-To-Treat Depression || NPR article
Coping Mechanisms || NCBI
Maladaptive Coping: 15 Examples & How to Break the Cycle || Positive Psychology article
Wildland firefighters are risking their mental health || High Country News article
Eustress vs Distress: Positive & Negative Types of Stress || Choosing Therapy article
Websites/Organizations
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
Wildland Firefighter Foundation || Especially for those who are reading this that aren’t part of the fire community, supporting the Wildland Firefighter Foundation is a great way to help us out. Also a place to connect with if you’re having trouble finding therapy or other resources you may need.
Next Rung || “Overwhelmingly, our desire is to provide resources for our brothers and sisters so they can take ACTION. Awareness is great, but just like words with out action are dead, so is awareness without proper resources. So if you or a firefighter/first responder you know is in need, simply text “SUPPORT” to 1-833-698-7864 and we promise to walk with you through whatever it is you’re facing.”
Grassroots Wildland Firefighters || If you haven’t already heard about the Grassroots Wildland Firefighters Committee, check them out! There were quite a few people that are losing hope about change actually taking place in the fire community, but I think seeing what the committee has already accomplished and their plans to keep pushing forward will give you hope and the strength to keep fighting for what we deserve.
“The Grassroots Wildland Firefighter Committee is dedicated to promoting and advocating for Federal Wildland Fire personnel titled Forestry Technicians. Our mission is to advocate for proper classification, pay, benefits and comprehensive well being. Our mission is to educate the public, generate support and provide solutions to our federal representatives through policy reform.”
Depending on where we are at in our mental health journeys, maybe going for a long, slow run every few days is enough to get us back to center, but we need to ensure that we aren’t using physical exercise as a short-term relief for what’s really going on. Keep trying to get the help you need, and know that there are people who support you in that journey.
I have been through significant trauma this year and utilized lots of resources. Counseling, journaling, meditation, talking about it, and more counseling have worked so far. It may change, and probably will in the future, but knowing that I have resources out there is huge.
Moving Forward in the Wildland Fire Community
I asked what advocacy for our community looks like for you. With the responses shared here, I loosely categorized them to show that each of us has a part in shifting our culture to be more conducive to supporting our mental health. No matter your GS level or what position you hold, you have a part!
So - what does advocacy for our community look like?
Individual
I want to see firefighters not being afraid to speak up if they need help. It's not easy. I don't want to see people getting judged by their peers for speaking up about their mental health and/or seeking help to improve it.
Accept people for who they are and how they are. You never know what someone is going through and you have to live, sleep and shit with these people so don’t make their life hard.
I think there will always be some sort of “stigma” but I believe talking about it in terms of stress management and natural reactions to stress helps to make it less stigmatized. Everyone experiences stress, some people handle it better than others. If we had ways to gain more tools in a tool box to manage our stress, it would improve our mental health situation.
And speaking of a toolbox… use the one above! Find the tools that work for you in managing your stress, keep practicing, keep vouching for yourself, one little step at a time.
Peer-to-Peer
… more roundtable discussions with coworkers.
Stop claiming everyone has PTSD and engage in conversation with your peers. I also believe that the home life needs to be in order before anything can be right at the work place.
I see it more in the Facebook and media realm then being led by leadership in fire.
Talking to my firefighters about mental health.
Getting rid of the “man up” stigma for men.
Strip the stigma. My crew is great but pretty bro-y. Being the only woman and the only one who seems to take these issues to heart is challenging.
Talking! Telling my story and my family’s story! As a now widowed, single mom of awesome kids my ability to share how mental health played a role in how we got here and how it plays a role in our daily lives moving forward is incredibly important! I am empowered by my IMT, my position at NIFC and my family to be an advocate for change.
Teach from the get-go that [mental health] is as important as physical health and technical expertise.
Talk about it. I’ve gotten a lot of shit for talking about the rough shit that I’ve seen but I’m going to keep talking about it.
We talk about it as a whole because we have to but our agency and managers aren’t about it.
Peer-to-peer amongst your level. FMO’s - have these discussions with your other overhead. GS5’s - start discussions with your crew mates. Higher-ups in the agencies we work for? You guessed it - HAVE THESE DISCUSSIONS. Think about how you’re advocating for you and your community.
Crew
Having conversations about it. And finding better ways to check in with coworkers other than a “how are you doing?” In high school and college I had athletic teams that all read the same book or all watched the same movie. I think that really built camaraderie because it gave a basic “thing” or commonality between everyone. I liked that.
Having kind leaders that demonstrate vulnerability and model the proper ways to deal with stress and grief.
Making time for people to get the resources we need. We make plenty of time to maintain our physical health (1 hour of PT a day) but we don’t do the same for mental health. Those that do seek help are often thought as weaker.
Open discussion with supts about using those “weaknesses” to draw out the strengths in everyone.
Decoupling this idea that processing emotions or having a bad day isn’t something you should bring to the fireline. That grief or anxiety or depression need to be dealt with privately and quietly so you are 100% your “normal” self centered on the line. Yes it’s important to be focused and in the moment, but I also largely think that’s a myth of how the brain works. We shouldn’t be afraid to talk about these things when we’re sitting around in the buggy so we’re not still carrying the weight of them when we gear up and go.
I see my captains/seniors talk and care about mental health one day and the next day, turn around and make fun of it, and then a few days later admit that someone they know/themselves is affected by something related to mental health. I wonder if it is all an act to look better in a group since they are more genuine when it is a smaller group. I would want to see leaders back up what they say about mental health and use/share examples of real people.
Life is hard. If it was easy, it would be boring. I feel like that is why a lot of us are in the fire community. We need that stress (physical/mental). We need that danger/hazards. I want people to understand that with themselves and others. To know people have bad days and to be there to not only share stories but listen as well.
I just want other people to know I am there and I am listening, no matter the situation. And I want them to know it without me having to do the awkward thing where I come up and shake ’ hands and tell them to their face. Maybe there could be a sign, like how people wear safety pins.
Not making jokes, not enforcing the stigma/stereotype, making it normal to check in on your buddies, normalizing it at the beginning of the season (crew boss addressing crew someone).
I would like to see a lot more surrounding the line of duty deaths. I heard my first season, my first fatality on the fire line. We were less than 2 miles from him & the communication was poor. It was a lot and there wasn’t much discussion at camp after it had happened. I think there could have been a better camp communication.
I hate the ego of other crews that think they’re better. I’ve seen it with shots so many times unfortunately. Not all but alot have the ego that they are the real fire crew and the others need to move out the way, that is not a way to be in a community based on the same common goals.
[Mental health] should be a regular part of daily or weekly training. I bet 99.99% of firefighters on the line have no clue who to call to get a CISM team spun up should the need arise. Or even who to call for their own personal mental health issues.
Required coursework for all wildland firefighters. People of status within fire that speak openly about mental health. Crew bosses being taught the basics of compassion and fostering personal growth.
Do you know how to get a CISM team onto your incident? Do we know who to contact when someone is feeling suicidal or in a serious mental health situation? (Because calling in police with guns is NOT the answer). How can you create a space to be open together? Develop safety plans not only for helibase operations, but for taking care of our people?
There were a plethora of responses that were associated with leadership, a lot of pressure for our crew bosses, engine captains, and FMO’s to get us through this. The thing is though, no one has been given tools to deal with helping our people manage the stress in this field of work. The leaders can’t advocate if they don’t have the tools (or if they don’t care). So how can leaders get the training and resources they need to be the kind, compassionate, vulnerable leaders we want advocating for us? And do we have the ability to reciprocate the compassion when our leaders express they are struggling mentally? Can we all gain the perspective that leadership involves vulnerability?
District/Forest
I’m not fluent in the actions taken above my pay grade, with budgeting and things like that. After reading through the responses though, I felt these to be inline with decisions that could be made at a forest level, or be a place where there’s a blockage in the communication ladder to keep pushing ideas/concerns to the top or providing services + help to the bottom.
I'm part of a grassroots employee support group on my forest that advocates for the mental health of all FS employees. We've brought training to the forest on mental health issues, like Stress First Aid, and had speakers come that have dealt with mental health issues related to tragedy fires. The group sends out information relating to mental health on a somewhat regular basis.
More abilities to learn other aspects of fire in different operations, fuels, terrain, locations, weather and with other forces.
Again, I think every fire station/organization should be staffed with an official mental health professional for support and as a necessary resource.
Actions matching words - culture actually changing. We talk a big game about how there shouldn't be a stigma and it's okay to talk about stuff, but nobody interrupts the shitty jokes or the harmful language or "the innocent teasing" that continues to go on. I want to see supervisors and managers actually making an effort to create and enforce a new culture for their crews, not just checking the box to say they've done the training like that's enough.
I believe if our fire leadership pushed the national director’s more on how we can help our wildland “forestry technicians” with a wider breadth of mental health resources both during and after fire season we would see a much less anxious and mentally prepared group ready to help those around them struggling from the same things.
It would be pretty helpful to have less emphasis on overtime.
Talk about it more, a change in leadership and what we value. Honestly a diversity of different people. As a woman my squad members are way more comfortable opening up about emotions and mental health to me, but I can’t do the same because I feel like I will be judged as a typical emotional women who can’t cut it.
An open discussion where people are not shamed… It starts with the higher ups though, FMOs and crew leaders need to be accepting of the discussion.
Seasonal employees should have more access to counseling and BE ENCOURAGED TO GO.
Needs to be more honesty about the emotional toll this job can have earlier in people’s career. Like first year.
I honestly don't know. Lots more people are talking about it but I don't think a lot is happening. The nature of the job, the hours, the pressures are not going to change easily or quickly. Like I said, depending on 1000+ OT each year makes us do things that are not putting our lives in balance only to have to pick up the pieces in the winter. Add a pandemic and for some people, a new job with a new crew, big move to a new state and isolation and I'd call this the most stressful year yet. All we can do is talk and think about being done for the season while our FMO tells us we will stay available until they need us to. I would like to see FF's get options. Options to not have to work nonstop for 7 months if they have things going on at home that need attention or just need a couple extra days off after that 8th roll.
More inclusive encouragement. When there is a death, make sure everyone is allowed to be involved, not just those on the fireline.
Showing respect to everyone.
Where I used to work (federal law enforcement, not fire), we had in-house counselors several days a week who we could talk to about whatever we felt the need to talk about. Due to the nature of fire and folks being away from an office setting for extended periods of time would make that difficult in this environment, but I think it would be great to explore those kind of options.
I have a psychology minor, so I’m not an expert by any means… I think it would be helpful to offer a class on emotional intelligence during orientation. We face a lot in our jobs and a lot of people don’t know how to handle the various challenges thrown our way. Literally from just meeting a strange group of people and learning to work as a team to facing dangerous challenges to constantly being fire ready toeing separated from the people that have become your family.
Filling out this survey came at a timely manner as I just completed my first CISM due to an incident I am currently on. Prior to a week ago, I was unaware that that particular program existed, which is something I feel we all should know about.
We have our own peer support K-9 dog named Rhonda and a K-9 Handler who is a FF on duty and former Hot Shot.
Can we network to have a mental health professional be available throughout the season for the district or forest folks to talk to? Do we know how to get ahold of people that have K-9 support dogs? A spouse that can bring their adorable retriever to the base once in awhile for the folks to hang out with that don’t have the means to own a pet because of the demands of this job? What kind of orientation would be beneficial to discuss emotional intelligence with the new people and current employees? Definitely not one that sugar-coats everything! Honesty builds a team, not sweet nothings. When will we stop shaming our people for being weak when they decide to stay back from an assignment to take care of themselves, or even to go to a chiropractor appointment?
Regional
It should be more than just an email talking about it.
Outside professionals, not agency. Dangerous to expect agencies that are not trained or have the agency interest above the firefighter.
I have been fortunate enough to find off-season work every season, but have also applied to hundreds of jobs and been turned away. Yes even fast food places don’t hire a seasonal fire fighter because they can’t just hire us for 5-6 months.
CISM being actual peers.
I like the National month long Mental health month approaches. It’s starting to get “tough ol’assholes” talking about things.
I would like to see a free to ALL (including state, private, or volunteer) hotline and maybe workshops in which people can come together and learn tools and strategies to combat mental illness. More fire peer support classes offered.
Leadership should be doing a better job of following up with their people to make sure they are doing ok.
Full time peer counselors.
It's a stressful job and I feel like they have a "rest in the winter" approach to it. They preach health and safety but they push for people being available for months on end and longer seasons with more "opportunities". I was a 13/13 and only needed to be available in the summer, maybe in the fall every couple of years. Now I'm an 18/8 and I could get to travel to southeast in the fall, winter, or spring on top of an already long summer.
Do we know how to get involved with CISM support groups if we want to help that way? Is that information shared with everyone, or only a few higher up channels that don’t sink below GS8? Are people in regional positions willing to back the forests that are making changes to support their people? What impact can voices at the regional level make within the agencies we work for?
The Collective
Unionization.
Many of us who are later in our careers have multiple fatality fires and friends’ suicides in our first hand experience. Our experiences are long before it was acceptable to talk mental health. We are also fucked up and adept and compartmentalizing our experiences until we are not.
I think it's a few things. I think it's broad-scale efforts like the current work of the grassroots wildland firefighters committee to get recognition and improve the physical and financial conditions of firefighters. I think it's getting folks on crews talking (in a natural way) about mental health. I think it's common enough to complain about missing 'outside' events and milestones during the season, the exhaustion, and the compensation and to share close-call stories (usually with an edge of pride). It's less common to dig deeper into what those things mean, and the effect they have over time. I also think there might be a gap in who current mental health awareness efforts focus on. From my view, it seems to be feds, long-term seasonals and perms. I can't speak to the experiences of contractors, but as a two-season seasonal, I've experienced some of the ups and downs of fire season and the job. I still feel like something of an outsider, though, not a 'real firefighter' since I'm not necessarily in it for the long haul. That can also make if feel like I don't have a right to claim any of the potential mental health side-effects of the job, as weird as it sounds to type that.
I want to see it be accepted and not seen as weakness so that it can be addressed before it leads to anything that is truly detrimental to our overall well being. I see more support through work in form of psychiatric help, as well as more peer support programs. We are a very proud and stubborn culture that will not admit weaknesses especially to outsiders or even peers until everyone can realize that this is affecting most likely the majority of folks at different levels.
I was in fire for 10 seasons, 2010-2019. I decided to leave and pursue a different career because fire culture finally got too toxic for me to handle. I miss the work sometimes and the actual fire part of it, but the attitudes created a work environment that was no longer sustainable. It's a shame that we lose people who are good at their jobs because we can't seem to grow up and start supporting each other in the ways that matter.
More people should take part in CISM peer support training.
The Public
What advocacy for the fire community from the public can look like, which includes knowing more about what we’re going through:
I just want to see a better understanding that we are all different and complex, that to be called a hero is just gross and harmful to some of us who literally go around spraying 1/10 of an acre lightning fires 95% of the time. It is so a lifestyle more than anything, a bad marriage, an obsession for some of us. That really needs to be addressed.
More accountability of public/homeowners.
Mostly, making it known. It’s getting better. Everyone knows about a soldier returning from war. No ones knows about a fire fighter returning from the season or what it even looks likes. I spent a season earlier in my career where I initial attack a plane crash that had two dead bodies, had three friends burn over and not make it off the hill alive, then spent an hour pumping cpr on an individuals chest. All within a short time span. Yet no one understood or even knew that we do that. No ones besides my brothers and sisters that were there by my side. First, I think getting us rated as firefighters Not Forestry techs would help. Then getting the word out. Continuing what we are doing. What you are doing with this study.
Agency/Organization/Company
I’d like to see less of the typical streamlined generic approach the USFS typically takes, and more of a grassroots effort encouraged by the agency.
I'm too new to have any solid ideas but I feel if we were treated better it would be a large step into reducing mental health issues.
Better wellness programs, building our PT programs to also focus on mental health not just physical health, actually getting work life balance. The summer is money making time to save for winter so you work more ot [overtime]. Decent pay would help make it so we don’t have to work as much.
Get our own series, fair wage, etc.
Making both physical and mental PT required of all responders (not just operations).
Definitely NOT an AgLearn training [on mental health]. ;)
Providing better access to resources. Especially seasonal. They just get forgotten about.
Pushing the wayyy up there higher ups to support us. To fight for year round FULL benefits.
Make the application info for federal and state crews more widely publicized and advice about how to do the applications to contract crews.
Hold our people up to a standard [i.e. uniform, appearance]
A dedicated fire-centric resource like the employee assistance program within the Forest Service. The EAP is a good resource but lacks any understanding of what we deal with in fire.
Seeing more topics like these in our six minutes. Having mental first aid class so we have more education on signs among our coworkers.
No red tape and paperwork to get access to programs.
Better pay for entry and mid level folks.
More R+R days.
I want to see my fellow coworkers in fire have unlimited resources at their fingertips instead of having to call a generic number that you only get 3 visits for. We should get unlimited visits to whatever the resource is that is helping to keep our health. Rather than the current standard of hoping people get what they need in 3 visits then the bill is on the victim.
The outreach is wonderful and I think most folks know support is available, but no one is going to miss a roll to see a shrink when you have to schedule months out only to learn the doc has no experience dealing with public safety related issues.
I would like to see more availability for FFs to utilize a broad range of emotional support options covered by their employers (yoga, meditation, more counselors, etc).
Give us a purpose in the off-season and a source of income aside from unemployment.
I think that alot of mental health issues could be solved with a more stable atmosphere. Better pay so we don’t have to worry about when the next fire is and better diets.
On a federal level, agencies acknowledging their is a problem, created by the structure they have created through abuse of temp seasonal and “forestry technicians”. Stop providing lip service and show genuine concern and help. Counseling during and after wildfire season and layoffs. Stop pretending the issues are not created by their archaic employment structure that is no longer is feasible.
Willingness from agencies to actually give folks time for taking care of themselves rather than just saying they will.
It starts with higher pay and better health care coverage. None of us get into this job to become rich. We love it because what the total job encompasses. Fire season doesn’t go year round, having a couple months off is nice but we also need to survive and not worry about trying to find off-season jobs to help pay bills or rely on unemployment that barely meets the survival threshold either.
More agency acknowledgement that this job fucks people up.
I think this job takes a toll on people and our leadership need to be aware of that even on an enjoyable season. We are not like other people. We are away for weeks on end from our family and friends, missing entire summers, and surrounded by stressful environments we are expected to adhere to without showing emotion. We live out of trucks and grocery stores (if you're lucky-the point is we can't go home at night and make dinner), and work long hours to not enjoy day to day things that most people do. When we do get days off they are full of bills, laundry and catching up on sleep. After an entire summer of working, firefighters are disconnected from their friends and families living those normal lives. Then, when the season is over, everyone you just spent every day and night with is gone and you have nothing to show for it. I believe the transition into and out of a fire season is extremely hard to deal with even if you do have loved ones that welcome you home. This lifestyle is demanding and often our health is taken in order to perform a duty.
It has to be proactive not reactionary.
Do people in strictly office positions, where states fill the distance between their desk and our fire station, actually understand what we are living with? Are they putting themselves in our shoes, leading with compassion, and serving for the land and stewards of our land? Other than helping + supporting the efforts of the Grassroots Wildland Firefighters organization, what else can change at the agency level?
Finishing Thoughts
This survey is great, but deep down I know changes won’t happen for pay, mental health, treatment for injuries, or the way your supervisor looks at you in disbelief if you ask for an extra day off because you’re burnt out. I’ve signed petitions, I’ve done surveys, and have seen 0 changes, except for what will make the government look good without any actual effort or real benefit to employees. I’m only doing this so hopefully in 20-50 years the next generation might have a shot of a real job title and real help when they need it. And that 30% higher suicide rate only a few articles talk about, is realized and acted upon. I’m not a rent-a-person, I have a life outside of fire and this job does not support having a life outside of what is demanded of you. When it could.
I felt uncomfortable answering some of the questions because it takes so much vulnerability to talk about this stuff but I hope this helps. We need better support for mental health in the Wildland firefighting workforce.
I think a lot of people don't recognize in themselves the link between mental and physical health; that being sedentary promotes depression. I learned this about myself in college when I was deeply depressed. I feel it creeping in every time we spend a few days sitting in the trucks. I think everyone feels it but few recognize it.
Let's change our culture with this. Let's make firefighting better, safer and even more fun!!
A time of reflection as we close this out:
Does seeing so many similar experiences and thoughts about mental health help establish that we are not alone? That we are all experiencing the various impacts of being first responders and stewards of the land?
How can we make time to prioritize our mental health individually, on a crew, and as an organization?
How can we find purpose outside of fire?
How can we take care of ourselves until we get the proper recognition + benefits, until there is a collective understanding of how this field of work affects us?
What does taking care of each other look like? What can you do to support making mental health a priority for our fire community?
The more we keep growing as people, the more we can adapt to change as wildland firefighters; and as we do that, we will see a shift in how we operate, plan, dispatch, and communicate.
This project is a way to help ourselves and help each other. We gotta shift our own energy before the energy of the collective can shift.
Thank you for being here and joining me in this journey! I am beyond grateful for your time and hope you were able to find something in this project useful. If you have anything to add, questions, concerns - drop it down below in the comments or shoot me an email!
Much love to you all,
Katie
Also,
“Stop putting roast beef in fire lunches.”
Confidence, and Where Can I Find Some
To me, confidence is complex. And I don’t think there’s ever going to be one simple solution to finding it.
I’ve been jotting down notes, and getting lost in trains of thought about a word. About a quality. A state of mind, of body and soul. A feeling. And not surprisingly, the Universe was laying down signs and magic doors and triggers and supportive people and negative people to help me figure it out, and to help me help myself.
CONFIDENCE
So. What is confidence?
the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something
synonyms: trust, dependence, reliance
the state of feeling certain about the truth of something
a feeling of assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities
synonyms: self-assurance, self-confidence, self-reliance, nerve, poise, coolheadedness, courage, boldness, fortitude
Alright, let’s see where my rambling thoughts lead to…
Have you noticed when people are around, it seems harder to get something done? Or the opposite - maybe the addition of a crowd pumps you up and drives you to do even better?
In one of the chapters of Invisible Influence, Jonah Berger talks about many studies that show how performance is affected in the presence and absence of people. These differences can be explained by social facilitation. Social facilitation is “an improvement in performance produced by the mere presence of others. Studies on social facilitation concern the extent to which a given piece of an individual’s behavior is affected by the real, imagined or implied presence of others.” (1)
And the two results of social facilitation are co-action effects and audience effect. Essentially, co-action effects are where the execution of a task improves due to the presence of others performing the same task. And the audience effect is when the presence of others can hinder the ability to perform a complex/new task, while on the other hand improve the execution of a well-learned or simple task.
According to [Nickolas] Cottrell, it’s not the presence of other people that is important for social facilitation to occur but the apprehension about being evaluated by them. We know that approval and disapproval are often dependent on others’ evaluations and so the presence of others triggers an acquired arousal drive based on evaluation anxiety. (1)
Starting to get the gist of this?
One of the studies mentioned in Invisible Influence goes into detail about an experiment with cockroaches. Yes, cockroaches. I mean, humans are animals right? And because there are so many overlaps with communication and social structure across the animal kingdom, this experiment is very useful to analyzing ourselves in social situations. Bob Zajonc, a scientist that received his PhD in social psychology in 1955, used cockroaches to test his theory about the differing outcomes in the presence of others.
Zajonc thought he knew why others’ presence was having opposing effects. Why others sometimes increased performance and sometimes decreased it. In his mind, it depended on the complexity of the task, or the thing on which people (or animals) were being measured. If the task was easy, or something participants had done many times before, spectators would facilitate performance. But if the task was difficult, or involved learning something new, spectators would inhibit performance. (2)
So Zajonc set up two tasks for the cockroaches. The first was to have the cockroaches scuttle under a bright light from point A to reach the dark recesses of point B, a straight track to run. The second task involved having to make a left or right turn to find the shadows of point B - a bit more complex. And lastly, clear walls on each side of the track filled with cockroach spectators for some of the trials.
Not surprisingly, it took the roaches longer to run the more complex track. They had to figure out which way to go and needed three times as long to finish. But the audience also influenced performance. On the straightaway, roaches ran faster when the audience was present, chopping almost a third off their time. But for the more complex track, others had the opposite impact. An audience led the roaches to run slower, increasing their time by almost a third.
Zajonc was right. Whether others help or hurt performance depends on the complexity of the task. (2)
Growing up, I only liked to raise my hand in class if I was certain that I had the answer to the teacher’s question. And that deep notion of not wanting to be wrong, to seem dumb, or be laughed at still lingers. Looking back, I can see how social facilitation was at play. If I was confident in answering the question, I’d raise my hand. If I wasn’t sure, still didn’t understand the concept we were talking about, or maybe didn’t read the assigned chapter the night before… I would avoid eye contact with the teacher in hopes that I didn’t get called on.
Honestly, that feeling still evokes fear in me today occasionally. I mean shit, I experienced it two weeks ago when I was told to do my helicopter passenger briefing with a few of my new crew mates. I did awful, by the way. Through the years of speeches and schpeels, I’ve worked hard on eliminating “um” from my vocabulary, but that day I filled alllll the pauses with ‘em. My crew mates pointed out all the um-ing, and I just wanted to yell out “I’m actually really good at this stuff!!” I didn’t though. I accepted what happened and thought about what I could do so that wouldn’t happen again. Alright, I was frustrated for a little while, and then accepted and reflected on the situation. But where’s that line? That line between being subconsciously ruled by social facilitation, and the feeling of assurance in one’s own abilities and qualities? How can you overcome that?
I think a good chunk of that answer involves taking things personally. With attaching that failure, that wrong answer, that lack of knowledge/skill to your identity. So, some wisdom from The Four Agreements since I’m always talking about it now…
DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Just because you’re struggling with one of your new job tasks does not mean you struggle all the time. Being wrong doesn’t make you a wrong person. Coming in last on a hike doesn’t mean you’ll always be slow. These are all opportunities to keep taking steps forward, learn more, and love yourself for doing your best. (I say “you” but really I’m writing to myself right now. Sometimes you gotta give yourself a little pep talk). And what Cottrell said earlier, the important factor in social facilitation occurring is apprehending evaluation from others, not necessarily the presence of others. And so looking back on a few weeks ago, apprehension was definitely there. Had it been other people though, it may have gone entirely different (and resulted in improved execution). That rolls back around to not taking things personally. Don’t take negative feedback from others personally. Don’t internalize the judgements of others. Don’t even take a raving, stellar review personally. Because what other people say to you is a reflection of themselves, not you. And let’s face it - not everything is about you.
Last week I asked my friends on Instagram a question: What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of CONFIDENCE?
Here’s some responses:
Knowing your imperfections but embracing them instead of shaming yourself for them.
Git sum.
Understanding that you are who you are and building from that.
What they said; you have to understand where you are at right now, in this moment, and embrace who you are. Ugh, it’s so easy to compare yourself to other people. Man, I should already know that. Wow, I am so much slower than that person. BUT YOU ARE YOUR OWN PERSON. You have your own milestones you’re working towards, learning skills at your own pace, and building up your reserve of assurance, boldness, poise, and CONFIDENCE for your own life. And you do need a little of that “git sum” attitude to keep persevering. :)
Is there a quicker way to gain that confidence though, that unbreakable assurance in yourself? Some people say “fake it till you make it”…
I have watched this quite a few times over the years, and I think it’s always a great one to come back to. Amy Cuddy talks about manipulating your body language to communicate with others (and the effects of that on our own judgements, thoughts and feelings about ourselves).
Whether you’ve watched the talk or not, what are your thoughts? Where’s that line, between faking it till you make it and faking-it-but-never-making-it-and-just-looking-like-an-ass? I see people in my field of work that utilize this method. Which as Invisible Influence talks about in another chapter, “monkey see monkey do”; everyone else seems cool and knows everything… so I should seem cool and like I know everything. AGHH, wrong! I’ve always felt better in the end saying “I don’t know, but I want to know more” to a question asked of me, rather than trying to spin an answer around with the little to no information that I have about it. If you don’t know but act like a d*ck about being wrong - that’s shitty. If you don’t know, are honest about it, and take the initiative to learn - that shows a lot, and those are the people I want to surround myself with.
But, I do think faking it till you make it is beneficial! Especially with the positioning of your body, which is what Amy is getting across with this talk. Sometimes you truly aren’t confident in your abilities, but imitating the confidence and competence you see in others performing the same task can help you get there. You just tackle the task head on and soon enough you realize you aren’t scared of it anymore!! You can’t be completely blind to your reality though. Back to the people I’ve seen at work… As you’re faking it, you still have to put in the work to get to a place of self-confidence and self-reliance. To improve skills and successfully complete tasks. The key is to keep telling yourself that you CAN do this and you SHOULD be here as you take the time and energy to make yourself better. You really should watch Amy’s talk if you haven’t already.
Here’s some of my favorite, quick take-aways from it:
“We compliment the other’s non-verbal”
“Tiny tweaks lead to BIG CHANGES”
“Don’t fake it till you make it… Fake it till you become it”
When she says we compliment the other’s non-verbal, she means we do the opposite of what we’re seeing. If our boss is taking up space, arms on the hips, chin up - we will subconsciously cross our arms, look down, sit or stand with our legs close together. SO, TAKE UP SPACE! Throw your arms up and feel proud, keep your head up, and SMILE! Try to avoid getting pushed into a non-verbal position of weakness & doubt. The physical positions we hold ourselves in really do affect how we think and feel. I’ll be working on the same thing right along with you!
And tiny tweaks do lead to big changes. Whether that’s focusing on lengthening your stride when you go for a run, keeping your core tight as you tackle a big hill, sit up tall & smile during an intimidating meeting, or stating what you’re grateful for instead of what’s going wrong… those little things add up to BIG CHANGES! Faster times, stronger legs, successful meetings, and a peaceful soul. And then one day, like what happened to Amy Cuddy, you’ll be in a situation and realize you aren’t faking it anymore! You became who you wanted to be, and you are there, and you are ready to keep going and learn more and help others do the same.
I know, kind of went all over the place. To me though, confidence is complex. And I don’t think there’s ever going to be one simple solution to finding it, and keeping it. I think it’s a process of trial & error, and recognizing those triggers. What or who motivates you, what situations and people make you doubt yourself? And why. Is it a challenging new skill? Are you not comfortable in your environment? Are you taking failures personally? Are you scared of not being able to become who you want to be?
And motivation is a whole other conversation for another time, but I hope that this helps shine a light on some shadowy box you haven’t opened yet. When I write I pull from my own experience, which involves health & fitness, wildland firefighting, situations from my personal life and previous jobs. But confidence is something everyone has. It makes life less scary. It helps you love yourself and improve. And I think it keeps you happy & healthy, too. :)
But whether you’re scared about being a good mom, finding a career after college, or staying sober after day one… Whatever it may be, just know that you do have confidence! It’s there whether you know it or not right now. Trust in yourself. Each of us finds it in our own time, in our own way.
Until next time,
Namaste my friends
REFERENCES/THINGS I MENTIONED:
McLeod, Saul. “Saul McLeod.” Simply Psychology, 1 Jan. 1970, www.simplypsychology.org/Social-Facilitation.html.
“5. Come On Baby, Light My Fire.” Invisible Influence: the Hidden Forces That Shape Behavior, by Jonah Berger, Simon & Schuster Paperbacks, 2017, pp. 193–194.
The Four Agreements | Don Miguel Ruiz, book
Your body language may shape who you are | Amy Cuddy, TED talk
Getting Out of the Gossip Circle
“Some of the most poisonous people come to us disguised as family and friends.”
I grew up in a small town, moved around, and am now back in another small town. Throughout my young life I’ve noticed that gossip is always slithering around. More prevalent in certain areas, or different networks of people - but it’s there.
Why though? What does this action do? Why is gossiping a subconscious behavior, and what do we get out of it? Why do we do it?
To start, gossip is everywhere we look: In movies, women gather together talking about who has done what recently. Shows explicitly market main characters who gossip. Reality TV pushes gossip and drama. Media anchors help stir the pot of bashing others and magnifying flaws. It’s everywhere!
“Gossiping has become the main form of communication in human society. It has become the way we feel close to each other, because it makes us feel better to see someone else feel as badly as we do. There is an old expression that says, ‘Misery loves company.’ and people who are suffering in hell don't want to be alone.”
- Don Miguel Ruiz & Janet Mills, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
But the fallacy lies in believing that the consequences of gossip fall on other people, and I’m better than that, I don’t gossip. When in reality, you are front and center of your own personal hell, and your company is all intertwined into making that happen.
“Gossip is black magic at its very worst because it is pure poison. We learned how to gossip by agreement. When we were children, we heard the adults around us gossiping all the time, openly giving their opinions about other people. They even had opinions about people they didn’t know. Emotional poison was transferred along with the opinions, and we learned this as the normal way to communicate.”
- Don Miguel Ruiz & Janet Mills, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Dr. Nicole LePera, @the.holistic.psychologist
I mean isn’t it crazy that talking about people we don’t know like we know them is normal?? Anyway.
From observing adults as we learned to talk, to forging our identities through school, to traversing new places and becoming adults ourselves, gossip has left a mark in some way over the years. As children and adolescents we were still permeable sponges, piecing together the information we soaked in to create our personal roadmap to try and successfully navigate this life. That roadmap is the belief system Don Miguel Ruiz talks about in his work. And when we are younger, we aren’t simply given encyclopedia information. We are figuring out how to live and interact with other humans. Recognizing facial expressions, correlating behaviors and reactions, learning how to be funny, how to get attention, how you should categorize, who is “cool” and who is not. With all of this comes learned behavior for interpersonal relationships and the relationship with yourself. Opinions are part of the stimuli, but since our roadmap isn’t complete, most of the opinions we soak in are used as building blocks to continue forming our map since it’s hard for us to develop our own opinions yet. As Ruiz says, “Whenever we hear an opinion and believe it, we make an agreement, and it becomes part of our belief system.” The problem is that going into our adult lives with completed roadmaps - we still believe opinions are fact. Opinions are points of view though, from different perspectives, discerned from the unique set of experiences of every individual.
“You opinion is nothing but your point of view. It is not necessarily true. Your opinion comes from your beliefs, your own ego, and your own dream. We create all this poison and spread it to others just so we can feel right about our own point of view.”
- Don Miguel Ruiz & Janet Mills, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Alright, what we got so far based on my opinions and other information I have taken into my own belief system:
Gossip is engrained into our lives, and
A major form of communication
Opinions are not necessarily based on fact
The Four Agreements is a priceless vessel of wisdom
Anndd time for another quote:
“Consider how many times you have gossiped about the person you love the most to gain support of others for your point of view. How many times have you hooked other people’s attention, and spread poison about your loved one in order to make your opinion right?”
Reflecting on situations where I helped spread poison, the rewarding feeling that came from it was connection. And like Ruiz said above, that connection was akin to support, and made me feel right about the opinion I had. I believe this is a large part of why gossip is such a large, intertwined serpent in our lives; the reward. It’s why our brain has it locked in as habit, because the reward of support makes us feel good temporarily and we want to feel it again. And it’s scary to think that the roadmap we have in front of us is wrong. So being able to connect with other humans and receive praise for sharing the imperfections of others is a way to feel secure in our lives. Well, for our ego to be secure. To make sure we feel wanted, and that we are receiving attention (Don Ruiz has more about “hooking attention" in the book I keep quoting). Participating in gossip strokes the ego oh so nicely. Too nicely…
As I have become more conscious of all this over time, there was not just the rewarding feeling of support after partaking in gossip… There was also an instantaneous feeling of sadness. Of regret. Because subconsciously gossip was the way to communicate; but after practicing compassion, and embodying a lifestyle that does not revolve around the ego - you realize gossip is real shitty.
Back to the quote from the very beginning. It can be hard to acknowledge that the people we care about the most are also the ones responsible for feeding our egos. Your close friends can be dragging you down without you or them even realizing it because it’s hard to see just how engrained all of our freaking communication and self-talk is! The social circles we form throughout our lives can become part of our roadmap.
I love the closeness of small towns, and everyone knowing everyone. But that’s also where a problem lurks: everyone talking about everyone. And because everyone is chatting with their hair dresser, their neighbor, the insurance agent, hanging out with friends… it’s like a massive game of telephone. Or when you learned about STD’s in health class and you poured water into each other’s cups and then a magical eye dropper revealed everyone ended up getting imaginary gonorrhea. One story - whether it was factual or perceived - all of a sudden turns into multiple accounts of someone’s actions. Gossip and gonorrhea are both things no one wants yet unknowingly gets involved with. Unless you keep yourself in check and stay accountable.
“We create a lot of emotional poison just by making assumptions and taking it personally, because usually we start gossiping about our assumptions… Because we are afraid to ask for clarification, we make assumptions, and believe we are right about the assumptions; then we defend our assumptions and try to make someone else wrong. It is always better to ask questions than to make an assumption, because assumptions set us up for suffering.”
- Don Miguel Ruiz & Janet Mills, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Gossip isn’t just an invasive species in small towns. It’s found in different groups, geographical regions… everywhere. But where I’ve experienced it the most is in smaller, country towns. And in school. Remember Mean Girls?
The terms “two faced” and “back-stabber” didn’t just pop out of thin air one day.
Two Faced: a persona that usually stems from a lack of self-identity, self-esteem, and/or cajones. The person is also usually a brown nose, as they try to please whomever they meet. In an effort to be accepted by the entire world, a “two faced” person will socially accommodate anyone they meet in an attempt to be popular and liked by everyone. More often than not, however, two faced bitches are usually covering up their assholism.
[from Urban Dictionary]
That definition is a bit harsh, but you see the similarity of what I was talking about earlier? Knowing people like us - it’s just stroking the ego, baby. We want attention, to feel liked, to be right, to be recognized. Middle and high school were probably the most treacherous battles we faced in trying to overcome those labels and three-way phone calls, but that behavior still carries on into our adult lives. Our egos still want to be stroked. To feel wanted, part of the group. Still need affirmation that our roadmaps are leading us along next to everyone else.
With all this being said, you don’t have to stay in the vicious gossip circle forever. You can live a life that doesn’t revolve around your ego.
Some things to try:
MOVE PAST DENIAL
The first step is acknowledging that this is subconscious behavior, and that it can be changed. BOOM, already so much progress made.
OBSERVE YOUR ENVIRONMENT
Be conscious in social situations and interactions. One particular day, while I was practicing being very mindful about what I said and how it could affect others, I realized that I barely said a word the whole day with the group of people I was with. It’s because I didn’t want to contribute to the gossip and indirectly hurt others. Unfortunately, sometimes gossip and superficial chatter is the only form of connection with people. But! You can help change that. A good way to start is to simply not contribute to spinning the gossip wheel. Stay true to your values as you interpret your environment to interact in a positive way.
DON’T HATE THE HATERS. JUST FOCUS ON YOU.
Making the effort to be conscious of how you speak with others will likely lead to many changes in your life. For me, it meant creating space for myself; to think for myself, to reflect, and shift my surroundings. Just keep loving yourself and loving others. You will be able to better recognize your energy levels, triggers, and be prepared to consciously respond in a kind way rather than subconsciously spreading that bad juju.
As Dr. Nicole LePera always talks about, you are not your emotions/behavior; so the action of gossiping doesn’t make someone a bad person. Don’t hate on people who gossip. Understand they have their own battles, emotions, etc. and you have yours. Just focus on you boo boo. Keep spreading the love.
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only LOVE can do that.”
WWBD (WHAT WOULD BUDDHA DO?)
If you keep up with my blog or Instagram, you know I love the book A Little Bit of Buddha. It’s the perfect little companion for your Buddhist philosophy and self-development needs (link at the end for more info). I believe that incorporating Buddhist principles into your lifestyle makes life so much more beautiful.
One of the actions of the Noble Eightfold Path falls under the concept of morality, and also parallels one of the Four Agreements Ruiz explains in his work; and that is proper speech.
“Proper speech seems simple enough. It asks us to speak only from kindness and compassion, to say things that promote a more peaceful world. To Buddhists, speech and action are closely connected, and most Buddhists consider them to be different aspects of the same force. Speech arises from our thoughts, and so Buddhists are asked not only to say kind words but also to think them.”
- Chad Mercree, A Little Bit of Buddha: An Introduction to Buddhist Thought
Below are the four guidelines used for beginning Buddhists to develop proper speech:
Never tell lies
Never slander anyone for any reason
Never use rude or foul language
Never engage in gossip or mindless chatter
I believe taking a moment to think “What Would Buddha Do” can help us create new habits and be mindful of our actions, and specifically, let us lead a life without gossip. Also, I’m trying to find WWBD bracelets now. And stickers. Maybe temporary tattoos??
GOOD VIBES
Immerse yourself in books and videos, follow social media accounts, and engage in activities that will help you transform your belief system. Invest energy into conversations that build each other up rather than poison minds. Everything won’t be bright, happy and positive 24/7. But creating a reality built on love is going to benefit your Self and the world around you forever.
Woo-hoo, good vibes all the way!
INSPO & WORKS REFERENCED:
click the orange links for more info
“The Holistic Psychologist” Dr. Nicole LePara
Instagram Content, Periodic Emails, Weekly YouTube videos
The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book)
by don Miguel Ruiz, Janet Mills
Book, Audiobook
A Little Bit of Buddha: An Introduction to Buddhist Thought
by Chad Mercree
Book
Living the Sutras: A Guide to Yoga Wisdom Beyond the Mat
by Kelly DiNardo & Amy Pearce-Hayden
Book & Journaling Prompts
Off-Season Reflections
As January passed and February unfolds, many of us seasonal forestry technicians know that summer will be arriving in a few short months, maybe even weeks.
This off-season has been filled with adventures, many trips to the dog park, as well as M., my fiancé, and I getting our fill of Vice documentaries and Netflix. For me, the winter months have also been filled with space. Space to just be. To reflect. Learn. Develop. To make sense of things, to get lost in ideas, not rushing. Being a wildland firefighter is not like any job I’ve had in the past, or ever imagined. Having space and time to reflect on this new field of work, and life itself, has been very significant for me.
People aren’t perfect.
Days don’t always go as planned.
And that’s ok.
That’s life!
How you play the hand you’re dealt is what matters. And that is kind of the moral of this story, how all my thoughts organized themselves.
I want to be as real as I can with you the reader. To be raw, and talk about the concepts of emotions and human interaction; and that none of us are utopian. In this I hope I was able to highlight those imperfections as I bring you on part of my journey of growing as a human being and a firefighter. The title “wildland firefighter” is viewed as heroic, associated with courage and almighty selflessness. But we are people just like everyone else. And I feel the need to express my experience with this job title, and how I’ve seen this line of work affect others.
There were quite a few times when I doubted how I wanted to present these thoughts, or if they should even be sent out into the world wide web in the first place.
You cannot swim for new horizons until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.
- William Faulkner
Ah, thank you Mr. Faulkner, ‘twas only the voice of my inner critic saying, no one else talks about this, who would care, it’s out of line!
I believe that being honest with ourselves and others is a vital step towards a greater good. I believe self-development can improve the field I work in. And I hope that this piece serves as a guide to understanding yourself, the human species, and one perspective in the community of wildland firefighting.
TIME
In the typical 9-5 job working 40 hours a week, by NYE you will have put in about 1,800-1,900 hours. That’s not factoring in commute time, sick days, holidays, etc. Honestly, I just punched those numbers out for this piece and it’s kind of crazy the amount of time we spend working every year! As a forestry tech in fire though, that’s how many hours you clock in - but in half the time. A little more or a little less depending on what kind of crew you work on and how busy the summer is. I know!! That’s a lot. And why by the end of the season, most are ready to be done and have a break from seeing the faces of people they have been with practically every single minute the past 6 months. That also means there is generally no time to do, think, or see anything else during those 6 months other than fire. In this job, “work/life balance” has unique context. *insert chuckle*
The organization of time has also changed my perception of it. In fire, there’s two parts to our calendar year. Fire season and the off-season. 6 months on, 6 months off. A bit different for a permanent employee, but in essence there are these two drastically different periods of time for us temporary folks. During one segment all there seems to be is work, and the next you aren’t sure what to do with this wide-open schedule! With this change in schedule, I’ve learned; I am grateful for all the moments in my life, no matter what section of time it falls in. Because each period of time flows along with the changing of the seasons; each hold a unique purpose and rhythm. And along with that, I have simply been more conscious of my daily activities, the love given and received, and the interconnection of everything and everyone in my life.
But ya know, sometimes there’s still bumps in the road. Sometimes we have those periods of time in life where you feel stuck, like it feels like you’re falling apart, or you’re just thinking what the f*ck is going on. Well, my second season was one of those what the f*ck times in my life. I believe there were quite a few factors that played into my roller coaster-like emotional state throughout the summer; everything happened for a reason though, and today I feel like a completely different person than I was last year, even compared to the end of the season in October.
Time was a blessing and a curse in regards to growing as a person over the past year or so. At first it was a curse - there are not many moments for yourself during the season. I would cry and be confused get angry tear up more be happy cry again love my job again then frustrated again, not being able to figure out why I was getting upset. Along with that, I felt like I had no control in how I reacted. But alas, the off-season. A blessing. An abundance of time.
The first season involved learning the basics, familiarizing myself, getting my toes wet. The second time around I sort of dove into some of the inter-workings of wildland firefighting. And at the end of the summer, reflect on my experience with it all.
STRUCTURE & COMMUNICATION
People suggested the Air Force and other branches of the military growing up, but I was always like, Nah, that’s not for me. I’m a free bird baby. The rigidity of it all never appealed to me. And after looking into my Myers Briggs personality type again not too long ago, some of the traits I resonated with all too well made me realize why I had some resentment at times during work. (I’m an ENFP by the way, “Extroverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving”)
Where ENFPs do not shine is in systems of strict regimentation and hierarchy, such as military service. ENFPs thrive on the ability to question the status quo and explore the alternatives, and if this is a quality that is not just unappreciated but actually frowned upon, this will not only make them unhappy, but it may even threaten their emotional stability.
from 16personalities.com
Well hot damn.
Unlike other jobs I’ve held where you have multiple levels of correspondence, and was used to the fluidity in previous employment, wildland fire has a ladder of communication and authority; a handful of firefighters who have been in the service have commented on the similarities of structure and other aspects. The military and fire are definitely two different entities though! Anyways, I was used to working alongside higher management, going to networking events, and essentially talking to anyone and everyone. Then I got a fire job. So really, this isn’t a dealbreaker; but it does push back on my ability to question everything and bring up other options. With time though, I’ll be communicating with more people, have more connections… all the things that I love and give me life. And my plan is to eventually complete a PIOF (Public Information Officer) task book*. Essentially, PIOF’s are responsible for communicating information about the incident (fire) to personnel on the fire, local communities, and the news media. I’m getting excited just typing about it.
*side note:
What is a task book, you may ask? Task books are the evaluation tools used to earn qualifications through on-the-job training. That’s also a super awesome thing about wildland fire. You don’t need a degree or special training prior to getting into the field. You eventually gain qualifications and knowledge through experience to make a career out of it. Badass, right??
I may not like it sometimes, but the hierarchy structure can be very valuable, especially when it comes to safety and accomplishing assignments. This set up is vital to ensure all resources are on the same page of who’s doing what, where the fire is at, etc. Another aspect of communication is the utilization of AAR’s (After Action Reviews). The use of them varies from crew to crew or district to district, but a lot can be accomplished and understood, even with a quick AAR after a shift or assignment. It’s a way to talk about what the initial plan was, what happened, and how we can learn from it/do better next time. And it also offers a chance to have that fluid communication across all levels of position, and have transparency amongst the in’s and out’s of an operation.
With that being said though - I will still persist in questioning the status quo and exploring alternatives. This piece is a way for me to break the mold and look at things from a different perspective. So keep your eyes peeled for other ways I’m making waves. ;)
MASCULINE & FEMININE
In wildland fire, it’s necessary for some of those “alpha” qualities, like taking charge and getting things done. That can-do attitude that most firefighters have lived by and still do. Those traits are what power the miles of line dug, trees snagged, and every other task that is assigned to crews. We are proud of the work we get accomplished!! That attitude can make a twenty-man crew an unstoppable force, and an initial start taken care of in no time. The masculine traits of perseverance, courage, and goal orientation are vital. But masculine traits do not translate to MACHO, I AM MAN, GRUNT GRUNT. Masculine and feminine traits have nothing to do with gender, and I think that gets confused and is not understood in the fire culture as a whole.
Our human qualities can be categorized as feminine or masculine, yin or yang. And they can also be attributed to the three Ayurvedic doshas/energies we all possess.
Below are a few images to help explain those categorizations, how we all hold those energies, and recognizing an imbalance.
The last 3 are segments of the transcript from the Higher Self podcast, where Sahara Rose talks about taking away the association of gender from our personality traits and recognizing them as the constitutes of Vata, Pitta, and Kapha (the Ayurvedic doshas).
side note:
So I wanted to have a more thorough explanation of our personality traits and masculine & feminine qualities… it has been quite a challenge to remember where I read or heard a lot of the information that’s stored up in my noggin about the topic. The infographics are not as comprehensive as I originally wanted them all to be, but I still believe it is pertinent to view our qualities as neutral or associated to energies. There are links in the Additional Information section at the end for more info on this Ayurvedic talk about doshas.
Back to fire! By understanding imbalances in our energies, you might be able to recognize some qualities and behavior that you have witnessed or taken part in yourself. As you saw in the first image: foolish risk-taking, bravado, fear, anger… those are unbalanced qualities. These are the things that can impact the results of operational decisions, the vibe and communication within a crew, as well as personal safety. And no-one likes to deal with arrogant assholes, right?
Macho culture is learned/ingrained, subconsciously following example because “that’s how it’s always been done.” An example: if someone saw another crew member completing assignments in FFT1* training, and their temperament becomes angry when they are in a stressful situation with limited information or hold themselves in a higher and machismo way - that will be learned as the way to act and ok when they follow suit in completing their own task book.
*another side note:
FFT1 = Firefighter Type 1
And I know for many folks completing their FFT1 task book, this may be one of the first times in a position of leadership like that. So yea, shit might get fucked up, it’ll be stressful and nerve-wracking, and there’s a lot to learn. But from that example, we can learn that: we should be understanding of others (people are learning), we can respond and not react (not just run with whatever thoughts are flowing through your mind), and that things like more leadership classes could be incorporated to ensure a healthy understanding of what leadership is (leader vs powerful position, and more than the L classes that are already in place).
a page from the FFT1 position task book, NWCG.gov [FFT1 and ICT5’s share some common tasks, as shown by the title of the page]
No one is perfect, and with this job it can be hard to have patience day in and day out. That should not translate to excusing poor leadership or any other inefficient action due to learned behavior as the routine. One of my goals as I move forward in this line of work is to be aware of how I am communicating. To lead by example, hopefully to be perceived as a patient, diligent, strong, knowledgable, and empathetic leader and crew member. This will not be achieved though if I am not aware of myself and understanding of others.
UNDERSTANDING & SELF-AWARENESS
People have bad days. We are all in our heads, thoughts whirling around, dealing with our own problems and analyzing the external world we interact with. A lot of men in this field might not admit it around their peers, but we all have battles whether we realize it or not. We all have “feelings”, and stir around “crazy and irrational” things. What I’ve realized these past few summers though is that a lot of guys and gals are really good at not letting others’ emotions affect them and/or hiding it very well. Or at least, they react & respond in a way that may be different from others.
For example, me. I’m not one to get angry back or start an argument when someone is unleashing their emotions into what should be a neutral conversation of direction, assignment, or feedback. And especially when I was in emotional turmoil last summer? Whew, I could not take any criticism, whether it was constructive or destructive! I got angry, but when I get mad.. I cry quietly to myself. Retreat inward.. Not productive behavior.
The point of that story was that I was in the midst of a long, internal battle, and I ended up REACTING rather than RESPONDING to situations - like taking in feedback of my work. I let my softhearted nature be the Achilles’ heel, rather than a strong quality to contribute to the team. To summarize a bit of those reactions… The feedback would be a trigger, and it hurt my ego - like I was failing, I wasn’t good at my job, and I felt like I was wrong more often than not (which wasn’t true!) And further more, I see a lot of this in people I’ve worked with or observed while on assignment.
Example: Division is a piss ant that nobody likes. This makes Crew Boss angry. Crew Boss informs Lead on new assignment in a nasty tone because Division made Crew Boss angry. Lead gathers crew to pass along assignment. Crew Member asks a pertinent question, Lead gets snappy and barks out a response. Crew Members get mad because Lead seems to be mad at them.
Someone gets pissed off because of someone else’s actions, and it just rolls on down the line, making everyone else stressed out, angry, all the feels.
Thoughts…
At first I wondered, “Is this a natural tendency of men?”
Well no, I was taking part in the same behavior. So, is it:
The personalties of people attracted to this field of work?
I’d stand by the assumption that we all have similar views of our own success’, failures, pride, etc.
Or is it simply learned, and no one realizes they are spreading the bad juju around themselves by not taking a second to let the emotion pass and then continue about their day?
I believe the latter is the major factor in this cyclical emotional state, and now it seems like the norm. Whatever it may be though, I have goals for myself to not be apart of the behavior I don’t like. To keep developing my own awareness, and be conscious of permeating my own problems onto other people. Understanding that everyone is going through their own battles, struggling with their own ego. And to not take shit personally all the time - more on this later. #majorkey
BOUNDARIES, FAMILY DYNAMICS & LOVE
The people you work with feel like family whether you like them or not. You can’t pick your family, right?? *haha*
You go to hell and back together. Laugh together. Eat spike camp food together. Drive to assignments together. PT together. EVERYTHING you do is with your crew. And because of the closeness, I realized at some point that it is hard to set boundaries. I like to share, have deep convo’s, and essentially I low-key want to be everyone’s friend if I see good vibes in them. It’s hard to be a co-worker, friend, therapist, and leader all at the same time though. Aka, my empathetic nature leads to overwhelming exhaustion if not watched carefully. Since we don’t see anyone else ever, and phone service can be crappy, what remains is your crew family to talk and vent with and be the social creatures we are.
I’m sure y’all understand the concept of work family, because we all have jobs. But damn, your crew family is something completely different. Some of the friendships made during the season carry on into the off-season, and that’s a beautiful thing. Other times, they don’t. Especially if you travel out-of-state for your seasonal job, it can be hard to maintain that contact.
You may have seen headlines about suicide rates in the world of wildland firefighting. It’s sad to read, and to hear about. As I mentioned at the beginning of this piece, wildland firefighters are people, too. Calling us heroes and that we’ve so brave corners us onto a pedestal, with not a lot of room to navigate our personal and professional lives from up there. And suicide tends to be a taboo subject in this small-town world, and we need to make mental health a normal thing to talk about, to care about it.
Here’s an excerpt from an article in Wildfire Today, written by Bill Gabbert:
Assuming for a moment that there are 17,000 wildland firefighters in the United States, approximately 0.3 percent of them took their own lives in 2015 and 2016 — a shocking percentage.
Most firefighters in general, and in particular, wildland firefighters, have a macho, can-do attitude, regardless of their gender. Just give them an objective, and they will figure out how to get it done, with little or no outside help. This can carry over into their personal lives and mental state. When the fire season is over their environment may shift from being part of a close brotherhood working with their buddies for long hours toward a common goal, to something completely different. The reduction in adrenaline and accomplishment of important tasks is more difficult for some to adjust to than others. Suicide rates can rise during the wildland fire off-season.
I hadn’t read the above article prior to writing the bulk of the “masculine & feminine” section, but this shows that misconceptions about mental health and our human nature can be harmful. We have intimate crew families, as well as the “big small-town” community of wildland firefighting to help each other out. Yet the same qualities that lead us to success in the field hinder our ability to be human and express our needs in the off-season.
And here’s an except from an issue of Two More Chains, a quarterly publication from the Wildland Fire Lessons Learned Center.
Shawna [Legarza] continues, “As wildland firefighters, we’ve always been people who like the hard assignments. But, you know, over time these tough assignments, these things that we see and do in our careers, can start to wear you down. What I think we can do moving forward is have more awareness about the fact that it’s OK to ask for help if you think you need help.”
More about Shawna Legarza in Additional Information at the end.
I think this job tests our strength not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. I don’t have the magical spell to normalize the discussion of mental health, or to make people look inward and try to understand how they’re wired. But I’m hoping that leading by example and not letting the topic be dismissed with jokes is the first step. And that it’ll seem easier and more natural to reach out to each other when we aren’t feeling our best. We pick each other up while we work, and we should do the same when we’re back at home.
Switching gears a bit to something I’m working on…
Appreciating (and making) time with myself.
This off-season, M. and I have had a lot of time to spend with each other, which is amazing since he is a hotshot during the summer so our time together while employed is few and far between. But the love-bug that bit me when we met was an unfamiliar experience for me. I don’t know if it’s a Virgo thing, or a combination of other characteristics, but I’m either out - or ALL IN. That goes for love, too. To sum up the feels, I realized that last season I wasn’t fully appreciating our time apart; for us to grow and gain experiences, and then come together in the fall to learn from each other. So through the off-season, I have been learning to appreciate the joyous days we spend together, as well as appreciating the time I make for myself. Not that I never loved time with myself prior to now; this new chapter in my life required me to take a step back and understand that I needed to adapt the boundaries in my romantic relationship and work relationships. To allow for space. Space to just be. And that those relationships are going to ebb and flow throughout the year, and in different ways - back to that unique work/life balance I mentioned earlier. I need stay accountable and show myself some self-love (and not just be preaching it all the time). ;)
That also includes finding a balance with work relationships. When the summer comes to an end, it can be refreshing to have the change of pace; yet a bit drastic when you think about all the people you were talking to and laughing with every day… and suddenly don’t. Like in the excerpt from Wildfire Today, you go from a close-knit environment to something completely different. Some relationships will stay strong with frequent communication through the winter. With others come guidance or commenting on social media posts periodically. And you may not speak with someone again until your first day back in greens for the year, asking about each other’s off-seasons and how things have been. So I believe it is important to make YOU yourself happy and first priority, and focus on the joys & tribulations of other relationships and material pleasures second. You need to be comfortable with yourself. That makes the transition a little less of a disastrous tsunami, and more like the natural rhythm of high and low tides.
I fortunately have not lost someone close to me to suicide, nor have I experienced feelings of suicide; so I am no expert and hope I am not misinterpreting information on the subject. But from what I’ve observed and read, I believe it is important to talk about how you’re feeling during the off-season, at a time when you don’t have that camaraderie the majority of us in this line of work crave and treasure. Because being comfortable by ourselves can be a hard thing to do; we are social creatures after all. We need to find comfort within ourselves. Nourish ourselves. Love ourselves. And we need to love each other. Help each other. The fire community is an amazing network of people, and I think we should all continue to show up for one another, maybe even more so than we already do. Even if you’re afraid to reach out to someone - do it anyway.
SHIT & GIVING A FUCK
The old saying goes that no matter where you go, there you are. Well, the same is true for adversity and failure. No matter where you go, there’s a five-hundred-pound load of shit waiting for you. And that’s perfectly fine. The point is to find the shit you enjoy dealing with.
- Mark Manson, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”
On the last off-forest assignment of the season, one of my crew members had recently downloaded The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck audiobook, and we started to listen to it at the end of a shift. I was hooked, and delved into the kindle version on my phone whenever there was down time. This book was one of the katalysts to thinking about my own mental health with some clarity, in a new light; it was essentially closing out the what the f*ck time in my life. Because it was the EGO fucking shit up and making my life seem like hell. In reality, life was pretty fantastic minus a few piles of shit! This snowballed into a stream of experiences and people and things and thoughts that led me to the views on my Self and mental health I hold today.
The quote above is one of my favorite parts from the book. No matter what duty station you work at, what kind of crew you’re on… There is always going to be the smell of shit, and you’ll probably step in it at some point. But what matters is that stepping in shit isn’t a big problem unless you make it one. No matter how you make money, what position you hold, there will always be shit - but it’s up to you to look past it and be grateful for the pristine yet smelly pasture you work in.
And, what shit you are willing to put up with? Are the sacrifices worth while, are boundaries acknowledged, do people respect your values, do you respect the values of the organization you work for? As Manson would probably say: what shit is worth your fucks?
There’s no such thing as not giving a fuck. You must give a fuck about something. It’s part of our biology to always care about something and therefore to always give a fuck.
The question, then, is What do we give a fuck about? What are we choosing to give a fuck about? And how can we not give a fuck about what ultimately does not matter?- Mark Manson, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”
A lot of the shit I was fretting about and thought was horrible - in reality, it was me giving too many fucks about the situation. Which left me drained most of the time. Earlier I mentioned that many people seem really good at not letting others’ emotions affect them; people have told me and I’ve learned through experience… you just need thick skin for this job. There’s a lot of shit begging for energy and attention, but you have to be able to discern what deserves your fucks. Picking battles, thinking about what really matters in the grand scheme of things. I thought I had a good handle on looking at the big picture and what holds value at the end of the day, but being a wildland firefighter magnifies this capability (or lack of) - and I am thankful for that. I’m a stronger person because of this job; physically, mentally, and emotionally. I can step back and decide what I should take personally or not internalize. I have more confidence in my ability to perform tasks, lead, and communicate with others. I’m more outspoken in my beliefs and boundaries, professionally and personally. Don’t get me wrong, I still make mistakes and struggle to keep communicating. But those are skills I will keep developing and working on every day as I continue a career with fire and living this crazy wonderful life on planet earth.
As you can see, this piece flowed a bit differently than my previous blog posts about fire. And I am BEYOND excited to head into my third season. Helitack will be a big change from the fuels crew life I’m familiar with, but I am grateful for this opportunity to be the best firefighter (ahem, Forestry Technician) and best version of myself I can be as I take on new challenges and adventures.
I’ll close out with this:
I believe that being honest with ourselves and others is a vital step towards a greater good. I believe self-development can improve the field I work in. And I hope that this piece serves as a guide to understanding yourself, the human species, and my perspective in wildland firefighting.
selfie time (2018)
ADDITIONAL INFORMATION:
Intro to Ayurveda: The Three Doshas | Yoga Journal
Highest Self Podcast 086: Why Feminine Doesn’t Mean Weak and Masculine Doesn’t Mean Strong | Sahara Rose
Suicide rate among wildland firefighters is “astronomical” | Wildfire Today
Suicide in the Wildland Fire Service | Two More Chains
Shawna Legarza worked her way through college as a wildland firefighter, and decided to keep pursuing her summer job and eventually became the Superintendent of the San Juan IHC (interagency hotshot crew). Shawna lost her husband to suicide, who was also a wildland firefighter. I highly suggest reading her take on mental health in the Two More Chains issue, and she also has a book titled No Grass if you want to learn more about her story.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck | Mark Manson
21 Things I Learned as a Woman Wildland Firefighter
The list compiled does not even begin to cover all the skills and tricks I familiarized myself with during the summer...
Here you go, my friends. I give you: 21 things I learned as a woman wildland firefighter.
FIGHTING FIRES - HOW DO YOU EVEN GET INTO THAT?
I get asked that quite frequently. Where I grew up in northeast Washington though, it was not an unfamiliar job pursuit. Neither was working at the gold mine. # small town life
After graduating high school I began working at our local ranger district in the silviculture department for the summer before heading off to college in the fall.
Silviculture - the art and science of controlling the establishment, growth, composition, and quality of forest vegetation for the full range of forest resource objectives.
I LOVED it. I was outside all day (even though the early mornings were not always my favorite), recorded data, and was a small help in giving the Colville National Forest a bright future.
Come the spring of 2014 though, it had come to the point where it was freaking expensive to fly back and forth to the PNW for the summers, so I stayed put in Kentucky as I finished out my degree. Not being able to go back and work for the Forest Service for another summer was heartbreaking.
I cried my eyes out. Sobbing. Like a toddler.
*fast forward though my life a little bit*
When I finished the long five years earning my bachelor's degree I thought,
"Well - I have no idea what I want to do." typical post-graduation thought
Side note: I am an ENFP (thanks to the Myers Briggs personality test). Not only was I a graduate still figuring out my life, as an ENFP - I love everything. I have so many interests and passions that it is hard to stick to one single field/job for very long.
So.
What did my Extraverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Perceiving self do?
Got my apartment sub-leased, couch surfed for a month, packed my Kia Soul with whatever fit and drove across the country to Arizona where my parents live. And prior to heading back west, I knew I missed fresh air and honest work - so I shot a few applications out; fish hatchery tech in Alaska, trails up keep in southern California, and a fire suppression job in Happy Jack, Arizona.
The day I crossed the New Mexico/Arizona state line, I received a call from the fire district office in Happy Jack.
*cue sun rays breaking through the clouds and a glitter spectacular*
UNIVERSE - YOU'VE OUTDONE YOURSELF
And with that, I was staged at my parent's for a few weeks before driving up to the Coconino NF in northern Arizona to begin a new adventure.
Below: a few images from my two summers in silviculture in Republic, Washington.
Now that you know how I got into fighting fires.
The list compiled does not even begin to cover all the skills and tricks I familiarized myself with during the summer. There are many different positions and fields of work within wildland fire. With that being said, someone working on an engine will have a different perspective than a first time fuels crew member or a hotshot's seventh year.
Brief overview of what I did:
Job Title - Forestry Aid (Fire Suppression), type 2 wildland firefighter
Crew 9 Fuels, based in Happy Jack, Arizona on the Coconino National Forest
Also, as a few of my co-workers and I were laughing and reflecting about "what we learned on a hand crew", we realized many things we learned pertained to us as women. You'll see what I mean later. And hence the post title.
Whether you are interested in pursuing this line of work or simply intrigued by what we do:
Here you go, my friends. I give you...
21 THINGS I LEARNED AS A WOMAN WILDLAND FIREFIGHTER
1. DON'T BE LAST
Be efficient, productive, and timely. As my high school driver's ed/history teacher/basketball coach always said,
"If you're early, you're on time. If you're on time, you're late."
2. SUB-CULTURE
Like any other sub-culture or job field, there is a separate language.
Monkey paw
Hose lay
ICP
Mark 3
Dolmar
Region 3
DP
Cat-facing
TAC 3
A small example of some of the terms I had no idea what they meant or what to do with them. But eventually I grew into the culture and was able to talk and act like a local by the end of the season.
3. MUSIC
For the dead-zones in Utah, the down time between dinner and lights out, and jamming out on the way back to station or camp to finish out a sixteen hour day. Music is key. Some crew trucks have standards and you might be kicked off the aux. But on Crew 9, we rotated DJ power and listened to everything under the sun - so make sure you have a music library on your phone or a separate iPod/MP3.
FYI - the limit DOES exist on Spotify downloads.
The next four cover the "essentials"
4. BOXER BRIEFS
Yes, that's right.
Men's boxer briefs - they change the game.
Your upper thighs feel more protected, while also keeping them a little warmer on the chilly fall days. The higher waistband also prevents chaffing from your nomex pants or sweaty shirt. It is also WAY easier to get ready in the mornings at fire camp. First, picture this: sleeping on the ground surrounded by fifteen or more men within a close proximity. With panties, I would be squirming around in my sleeping bag trying to slip my pants on for a day of work. With briefs, they are essentially like wearing long inseam spandex. Now when the 0545 alarm goes off, I can hop out of my sleeping bag and be standing while putting my nomex on. Life became SO much easier.
And you can never pack enough underwear or socks on a travel assignment (which is when you are gone for about two weeks as a resource for another state/forest). You do not want to weigh down your bags with unnecessary items, but you will thank yourself later for packing a clean pair of underwear for every day that you are gone. Even if you do not change them every day..
5. FEM HYGIENE
Also something you can never have enough of - pads and tampons.
After the first summer of fighting fires, I preferred pads over tampons for work. Stash them in your pack, your pockets, day pack, two-week bag, and your bin on the crew truck. ALWAYS be prepared.
(Did anyone catch that pun I threw down?)
Later in the season a fellow woman fire fighter suggested using a diva cup. I thought boxer briefs were a game changer, so if she thought diva cups changed her life then - well, there will be an edit to this list next summer. And considering the environment we work in, diva cups would make bathroom breaks WAY less complicated.
EDIT 3/28/19: About a year after publishing this, I purchased the Lena menstrual cup. Personally, it’s not for me right now! Which is unfortunate because I can envision how efficient and less wasteful it would be. I’ve recently switched to using 100% cotton non-applicator tampons though; so if I’m just using tampons while working, I can have worry-free, biodegradable bathroom breaks this summer. Sometimes I’ll wear a pad or liner too for back-up protection.
And yes, you can work ferociously (and harder than some of the guys) even while surviving a long and awful visit from Mother Nature. It is a struggle, but it can be done.
6. STASH SNACKS
There were instances when what was originally planned to be a moderate day of working for eight hours turns into six hours of over-time and my lunch gone by 1500 (aka 3:00pm). To prevent hanger on trips back to station and for any unplanned circumstances - have extra food. My go-to's were applesauce, gold fish, Clif bars, and protein shakes. It is also valuable to have extra snacks when you are on a resource order. Like the days there is a reuben sandwich in the lunch, or third day in a row of spicy pickles? I was always grateful to have a stash of gold fish in the truck bin. Or crew members willing to trade their Oreo's and hard boiled eggs for your sandwich and pickle. Negotiating skills are also a very valuable asset for this job if you want to thrive and not survive. # snack master
7. CARDS, A GOOD BOOK, AND TENNIS BALLS
Make sure you have a deck of cards, one or two good (preferably small in size) books, and a package of tennis balls somewhere in the truck. Trust me.
8. THERE IS A WAKE UP TIME
At camp while traveling, there is a wake up time to start the day. You wake up at that time. No earlier. And unless you are Speed Racer, no later (refer back to #1).
9. FOLLOW THE CHAIN OF COMMAND
Just do it.
10. PUT YOUR LUNCH IN YOUR PACK
To me this was one of the most important things I took away from the first season of fire. Being on a crew is all about routine. Putting my lunch in my pack every morning at camp before the crew boss came back from briefing was one more step towards being ready for anything the day threw at us. Along with work ethic, I believe your morning routine and work habits are what will make or break you in this field.
11. GET VERIZON
During my first resource order, we ended up traveling to Happy Camp, California to work on a fire on the Klamath National Forest. AT&T has absolutely no service there. Luckily one of my co-workers let me text my parents on her phone to let them know I was alive and not ignoring their messages or phone calls. As the summer progressed, I noticed Verizon had way more coverage than any other cell provider no matter where we were working.
12. A SOLID DAY PACK - MAJOR KEY
I was definitely not prepared when I accepted the job.
A day pack is something you will have with you every day for work. It may hold your PT clothes, a book, tooth brush, water bottle... Essentially, your essentials for travel assignments and day-to-day work life. That was a lot of essential.
The only backpack I had prior to the season was a large, black Adidas one that I obtained through athletics at the University of Louisville. In track & field, a big back pack was great because it fit everything you needed and could also serve as a back rest/pillow. In fire, not so much. It was constantly bulky even when not filled to capacity, would not fit in the side bin, and was a pain to move around. For next season I invested in an "Eggplant Purple" Osprey pack from REI, which can be used for hikes during the winter and a streamlined, stylish day pack during the summer.
# major key # style
13. BATHROOM/NAP BREAKS - TAKE THEM
It could be a long time until the next rest break, and no one wants to be around you later in the day if you turn into Moody Judy or Negative Nancy.
It's like being a child again.
14. DON'T BE SHY - JUST PULL EM DOWN
Speaking of bathroom breaks. As a woman, peeing requires the pants and underwear to come down. Which means you would want a private space to relieve yourself, right? Let me tell ya - it got exhausting having to walk a hundred miles away to make sure no one could see me stripping down before I peed myself. Stating to the group, "I'm peeing, no one look over here" is the go-to strategy now.
We are all humans, and we all poop and pee. That is honestly one of the best aspects of fire; you do not have to hold back or feel embarrassed about bodily functions. It's natural. Every fart can be released and no burp has to be excused.
15. DO NOT SHOWER - BUT SHOWER EVERY CHANCE YOU GET
Seems like a contradiction, right? I'll explain.
Do not shower in the fire camp showers. Unless you get "the oak." Poison oak, that is. I have heard many horror stories; feet fungus, unknown substances on the walls..
Even though the Montana showers, and in general all the camps, were kept up nicely, not showering while on a travel role makes it easier dealing with everyone else that is not keeping the best hygiene. After a few days you get used to the smell of your crew, including your stinky self. Being unbathed also makes the activity of pulling your pants on for the last day of work (and it is the fourteenth day of wearing those pair of nomex) not as gross. My current record is fifteen days without one.
And that first hot, hotel shower? Literally heaven flowing from the plumbing.
There will be portable sinks and such though. One of my crew members and I would go to the wash station together most evenings to brush our teeth and clean our faces. A semblance of clean in the dirty world of fire fighting.
EDIT 3/28/19: After two season I still haven’t showered in the camp showers, but I have taken many “baby wipe bathes”. In my opinion, they are quicker and plenty sufficient so you can spend more time sleeping, calling loved ones, or shooting the shit with your crew at the end of the day.
But if you are staging during a resource order, or get to go back to you living quarters after a long day of digging line - take the opportunity to shower! You might not have the chance to bathe the next day.. or fourteen days.
16. "HAPPY CAMP" IS NOT A HAPPY PLACE
Humidity. Heat. Mosquitoes. Poison oak. The main reason for setting up a tent was so I could lay naked on top of my thermarest pad in hopes of the sweat evaporating quickly, wishing for a peaceful five to six hours of sleep.
I had always thought so fondly of California.
Beautiful. But so. Much. Sweat...
17. THERE IS NO NEED FOR A TENT UNLESS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY
Not setting up a tent saves so much valuable time.
Eight minutes* might not seem very long. But at 0530, those minutes are priceless.
Falling asleep to a starry Montana sky without a tent obstructing your view is also priceless.
*Tent set up and break down time varies from person to person. "Eight minutes" is merely a guesstimate.
18. TEAMWORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK
From getting the truck checks completed, lifting heavy equipment, to tackling a spot fire - we are always working together. It is amazing what a crew can accomplish in a day, even in a few hours! Teamwork really does make the dream work.
19. PEOPLE FORGET THEY WERE BEGINNERS ONCE
Work can become so ingrained that everything comes natural due to habit. I have witnessed this in other jobs, lecture halls, and even observing parents with their children. In fire the notion of "what do you mean you don't know this *scough*" seemed to be much more prevalent. And this was one of the hardest obstacles to tackle as I was learning throughout the summer.
**EDIT**
Originally I ended #19 with, "So as the season progressed, I asked less questions, and leaned more toward the unwritten rule of, 'do what everyone else is doing.'"
A good friend of mine, who I also worked with this summer, stated in a comment on this post, "Screw number 19, ask questions and if they don't like it tell them they need to be a better leader, not an ass." Thank you for reminding me to be honest so everyone, including myself, can grow and understand how that progress can happen.
That original concluding line translates to,
"I LEARNED TO ONLY ASK CERTAIN QUESTIONS TO CERTAIN INDIVIDUALS."
And that is not ok.
The more inexperienced you were, the more audacious it was to have an opinion or ask a question. Um, excuse me? I respect the idea of the chain of command. However - if less experienced seasonal employees are expected to be passive, how can improvement occur at the individual, crew, or even district level? If change can not be communicated up the chain of leaders, then how can the concept of expressing concerns and questions be followed through?
Whether I make a career out of Fire & Fuels or only enjoy a few more seasons, I hope that I can katalyze an open-minded approach to leadership, communication, and problem analysis.
"That's just how it's been done" is old school. And honey - this ain't old school anymore. It is 2017 and time for change.
20. FEMININITY CAN AND WILL THRIVE IN A MAN'S WORLD
I am grateful beyond measure that I was able to have two strong women to work with during my first season. It is hard to think how I would look back on the summer if all of us weren't there to build each other up.
Masculinity certainly prevails in fire culture, but you know what counts at the end of the day? Hard work. Grit. Determination. The willingness to learn and be coached. Initiative. Attitude. And moving dirt quickly.
You do not have to be "one of the guys" to succeed in fire.
SIDE NOTE: I have a lot more to say about women in firefighting. That discussion is saved for another post. If you want to dig more into masculinity & femininity in fire, check out Off-Season Reflections.
I am comfortable with myself and all of my bodily functions (i.e. flatulence), and this job has made me feel even more free in my own skin. But that does not mean that I am not feminine, or I am not a woman. We should still be respected as women no matter what role we hold in the realm of fire.
I will rock platinum blonde hair and pink glitter nail polish.
*cue "Woman" by Diana Gordon, a cat walk floating on Victoria Secret angel wings, and sassy dance moves*
Below: the badass ladies I worked with July to November 2017, Elizabeth and Tina.
And pink glitter nail polish in action.
21. THIS IS THE BEST JOB EVER
What our job description should be:
move dirt
save forests
be outside all day
work hard
have fun
and enjoy huckleberry milkshakes in Montana
WANT MORE??
Click the links below to read more about what I’ve learned working as a wildland firefighter:
We’re Talking About Mental Health, But Are We Really Talking About It?
Discussion around mental health struggles in the fire community and tools to help take care of ourselves mentally. {February 2021}
Off-Season Reflections
Handling grumpy co-workers, learning to communicate better, trying to balance our crazy schedule, and a lot more. {February 2019}
And Another Season Begins
Facing my fear of using a chainsaw, the handy dandy Avenza app, and pictures from the beginning of the 2018 season. {July 2018}
Summer Through a Wildland Firefighter’s Eyes
The story of my first season on a fuels crew through pictures. (published on Medium.com) {March 2018}